$300 million doesn’t buy what it used to (it used to buy 600 million packs of bubblegum cards and now it buys about 147 of them), and so the newer, more expensive Cubs arrive in camp much better than when last we saw them, but are they good enough?
That’s just one of many questions as spring training opens around cute little campgrounds in the swampy peninsula of Florida and America’s catbox, Arizona.
You know your team has lots of question marks when the first day’s headlines center around a rookie pitcher who needs a haircut, a veteran pitcher who needs to wear a life preserver in the hot tub and a young, insane pitcher who has been apparently staging imaginary contract negotiations.
Just imagine how interesting all this would be if the Cubs actually won something.
Ever.
Just once.
1. How much does it cost to hire a lifeguard for the hot tub?
Given the amount of use the hot tub is likely to get, given the fragility of Cubs like Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Cliff Floyd, Wade Miller and the fact that Scott Eyre likes to cook hot dogs in it, you’d think the Cubs could hire someone to tend to it.
2. Who’s going to play center?
It’s either going to be Alfonso Soriano or Jock Jones. Neither are ideally suited for the job. Soriano still chases after flyballs like the idea is to wait for them to stop rolling before you pick them up. Jock throws the ball like he’s trying to break one of his toes. Soriano’s never played right field, which is where he’d have to go if Jock played center. Jock apparently has played center, but does anybody think that’s a good idea? The Cubs are big on playing as many people out of position as possible, so you expect this will end with Roberto Novoa in center with Soriano catching.
3. How tall is Jack Bauer’s mom?
His dad is 6’6 and both he and his now dead brother are like 5’4 on a good day. By my math, Jack Bauer’s mom isn’t just short. She’s Linda Hunt.
4. If all of the Cubs’ starting pitchers are healthy, which five will make up the rotation?
The five best starters would figure to be Zambrano, Prior, Lilly, Hill and Miller. That leaves Jason Marquis and Sean Marshall for the bullpen and Iowa, respectively. But then you realize that Miller’s throwing 74 MPH fastballs, Prior made news by not sitting out the first bullpen session of the season and Carlos seems destined for some sort of mental breakdown during the preseason that could very well involve the bullpen car, a hostage crisis, Carrie Muskat and a Circle K.
5. What belt notch is the “slimmer” Scott Eyre on these days?
That’s not news, the big news is that he no longer has to link two belts together to keep his pants on. Amazing what cutting down to six pounds of Hostess snack cakes a day can do for a guy.
6. During his first tantrum of the regular season what is Lou Piniella most likely to throw into the outfield, first base, second base or his hat?
Rich Hill.
7. Rumor has it that in an upcoming episode of The Office one couple is going to face an unplanned pregnancy. Is it going to be Pam and Roy, Jim and Karen, Michael and Jan, Dwight and Angela or Ryan and Kelly?
Isn’t the answer to this question always Cindy and Tiger?
8. The other day Carlos Zambrano and White Sox asshat AJ Eyechart filmed a McDonald’s commercial and Carlos says he has come to like AJ. What do you make of that?
Either Carlos snuck a little Peter Pan peanut butter into the special sauce on AJ’s Big Mac, or Carlos is inching closer to that hostage crisis. We’d talked about this before, but if Carlos had been the pitcher standing near home plate during the AJ-Barrett row at The Cell last season instead of Hill, AJ would stand for “absent jawbone.”
9. Andy Masur has left WGN Radio to take a job as a play-by-play and color announcer for the San Diego Padres. What happens when Pat Hughes’ irritable bowel syndrome kicks in during the eighth inning this year?
The same thing it means when Will Ohman comes into a game with runners in scoring position. Time for a change of undies. Actually, Masur found the perfect job in San Diego, he can’t talk and one of his broadcast partners–Ted Leitner–never shuts up. Talk about a marriage made in heaven.
10. Fox added three announcers to its baseball coverage this year, former Cubs Joe Girardi, Eric Karros and Mark Grace. Why not Steve Stone or Bob Brenly?
Fox has a policy that nobody with an IQ higher than Kevin Kennedy’s can work on the air. Wait, that can’t be right. That would have meant they’d be forced to bring back Steve Lyons. Never mind. I have no idea.
11. Jim Hendry takes a lot of crap when the team plays badly, shouldn’t he get a lot of credit for upgrading the team during the offseason?
Huh? He ran around with a blank checkbook this offseason. There’s no apparent plan in place. The minor league talent has dried up to almost nothing, the team is still full of guys who can’t find first base with a road map, his idea of building a pitching staff was just to sign a lot of guys and hope 10 of them don’t all suck at the same time. Good teams have a vision for what their team should play like and finds players to fit that system. The Cubs team is built around the “closing time” theory of anybody who said “yes” to Fat Jim is on the team. If this works, it’ll be a combination of dumb luck and a big wad of cash. Which is an improvement over the old Cubs’ strategy of dumb luck and a small wad of cash.
12. Last year the Cubs made deals involving Greg Maddux and Phil Nevin, who’s likely to go this year?
Considering how those two trades got done, whoever works hardest to work the trade out for themselves.
13. Why did E-ramis take less money to stay with the Cubs, instead of signing for a boatload with the Angels?
He’s too lazy to pack?
14. Kerry Wood would have gotten offers from teams to come in and be their closer at three or four times what he signed for with the Cubs. But he said he felt he “owed” it to the Cubs and the fans to come back considering how much he got paid the last two years and how little he pitched. Is this a trend that’s likely to continue?
I hope not. If it does, Neifi will be back for 2008.
15. Will Barry Bonds break Hank Aaron’s record this season? If so, where will Bud Selig be when it happens?
I think Barry probably will break the record this year, and the only correct answer to the second question is “the fetal position.”
16. I just rewatched the Desmond flashback episode of Lost from this week, and I still don’t know what the f#$% happened. What the f#$% happened?
I have no idea either, brother. But I did enjoy his girlfriend. Brother. That should catch on, brother. Finishing sentences with brother, brother.
17. Why is Bill Simmons writing a college basketball blog on a major worldwide sports Web site when he so clearly knows nothing about college basketball?
I think it’s some kind of sympathy pain for Scoop Jackson. Honestly, as funny as Simmons is, that college basketball thing is painful. Especially when he pats himself on the back for things like watching four basketball games in a weekend (I can do that in three hours on most Saturdays) or projecting every middle first round draft pick to be a perfect fit for the Suns. Make it stop. I think he’s trying to make us pine for J-Bug and Hench references.
18. Since you don’t write that much anymore, what am I supposed to do with my time at work during the season?
First, I plan to pick up the quantity (probably not the quality–you get what you pay for) from now through the end of baseball season. I’ll probably write a lot more stuff at night instead of in the mornings like in the past. Second, there are a plethora of places to go.
– You can yell at Chuck at Ivy Chat
– You can see what Kermit is up to at Fire Lou Piniella
– The Goat Riders are always worth a look at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse
– TJ Brown has a blog up at tjbrown.wordpress.com and we can badger him into making good on his promise to write more
– You can ridicule Al at Bleed Cubbie Blue
– You can start a flame war by mocking Adam Dunn at the forums at The Four Letter Message Board
There’s all kinds of ways to keep busy.
19. Dusty Baker made news today by not opening spring training with a new team, but rather by taking Darren to Disney World for the three-day weekend. Why is this news?
Because unlike the Disney one, this Goofy talks.
20. If the season started today, how would you pick the NL Central?
If the season started today, nobody’d be ready and the Cubs and Reds would be up to their asses in snow. I think we need to see how many clowns the Cubs can cram into their DL clown car before we pick them to finish anywhere from third to fifth.
Thanks for the plug, Andy. You know we love ourselves some Desipio over at Goat Riders.
Listen to me, Lou. Ya con’t change it, brotha. No ma–a wot ya doo, ya con’t change it.
No way, brother. I revolutionized the use of the word brother at the end of every sentence, I say, and watcha gonna do when I run wild on you brother?
No way, brother. I revolutionized the use of the word brother at the end of every sentence, and watcha gonna do when I run wild on you brother?
I don’t understand why you’re linking these other sites. I know for a fact that this is the only site I’ll ever need.
I second the plug-thanks, Andy. Much appreciated.
I’m plugging myself.
That sounded like JD.
So who can’t wait to hear Ronny back at the mike for a whole inning? Seeing how sharp he was the last time he did a little PBP in the early-to-mid ’90’s, it should only take a few games for him to get back to that quality.
Yes. Come to BCB, where the free-flowing fun is non-stop.
As long as we’re in complete control of user content, that is. Sig Heil!
The batter is….uh….is that Rey Sanchez? No, it’s the little bastard we got from the Dodgers, uh…Cesar Istooly. Here’s the pitch and it’s a ball. The count is…is that right? 3-2, how many pitches did I miss? Oh, screw this. Fuck it. Pat will be back in about 10 minutes.
Everyone come support Julie here! Someone said something mean and she ran home quitting.
http://www.bleedcubbieblue.com/story/2007/2/18/112327/151
What a fucktard.
I can’t believe people still read BCB.
ITS DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! If you don’t like go play intermurals, brother.
I’d love to see some before and after photos of Wood, Prior, and Miller. They all look like they’ve lost weight…muscle weight. I wonder if any of this injury stuff has to do with MLB’s new steroid testing policy. Yeah, I’m accusing…all 3. Wonder why Miller’s fastball is 74? Wonder why Prior hasn’t broken 90 since ’05? Wonder why all 3 look like they’ve been in the dryer too long? They were cheating, and now they can’t. There are very few bigger Cub fans than I, but I gotta call this what it obviously is. It’d be a miracle if the Cubs get a meaningful contribution from even one of them.
Call me a whiner, but I always figured I’d be a lot more excited the spring after the winter that the Cubs spent 300 million american dollars.
Guess I need to ramp up my lithium.
Dear Cap’n:
If you think that Mark Prior couldn’t still be using ‘roids, had he ever, then you are also Cap’n Doobage.
He seems a wee bit slimmer, especially in the ass and calves these days, wouldn’t you agree? The penalties and humliation for ‘roid offenders these days are much more effective than two or three years ago (when he was effective). Go on believing your heroes are infallible and haven’t been on the horse drugs…then give Alice a kiss while you are in her wonderland. Prior’s not the only guilty one, just probably the most obvious since Syringe Sammy. If the Cubs ’twere to suck, let us have them suck within the rules.
Who said anything about my heroes being infallible? a) the sum of my beliefs are that if a player can get away with using steroids, then good on him and b) considering the number of untracable steroids and growth hormones out there, Prior (or anyone else) could be a walking batallion of roid rage and nobody would be able to find it in any drug test.
But keep making assumptions.
I’m with Kurt. Guys on steroids can still do steroids. They get tipped off when “the man” comes around. Quit being so naive Cap’n.
What’s up with all the TV references? Let’s keep this to sports, eh?
It is clear that you ladies are missing the point…which is that Prior’s physical attributes, if we are to believe these spring training photos to be real, have changed substantially over the past 3 years. At a time in his life when most men are getting bigger, Prior is shrinking. I agree with youboth that cheating is an huge part of baseball, and that every team has guilty players.
Sure. Now, prove it. It’s very easy to say that Prior looks like he’s shrinking… show evidence. If he had been on steroids, I don’t care, if he’s on steroids now, I don’t care, but prove that he’s on steroids.
I’m afraid, my dear myopic friend, that the proof will be in Prior’s 84 MPH heater this season. Apologists like yourself will cry that he has been injured (mostlikely also due to roids)but others with similar injuries have come back to have at least close to the same velocity. The only proof would be that he fails a drug test, which mostlikely would not happen, due to untraceables and “tip offs” as referenced above. Any moron not viewing the world through his Cubby Blue colored glasses can see a huge difference in bulk from 2003 to now. It seems so easy to point the finger at Dominican hitters, but when a white pitcher is clearly guilty, worthless media types and folks like you lose touch with common sense and reality.
There’s quite a difference in bulk between yourself now and in 2003 as well. So what is it … steroids, or an eating disorder?
Kurt,
It’s not an eating disorder. Prior and Wood have AIDS. It’s so obvious. I know they were big boys and Wood has lost weight (although I don’t see major weight loss by Prior, but if Captain Obvious sees it, who am I to judge).
AIDS patients lose weight drastically. Prior and Wood have lost weight. Ergo, they must have AIDS.
You’ve got me there, TJ. That makes more sense than steroids, unless of course steroids give people beer-guts.
I’m pretty sure Cap’n Obvious is Sammy Sosa’s agent.
Baseball doesn’t test for HGH. Any dope who wants to bulk up and still gets caught deserves to get caught. If it were as easy as ‘roiding Prior and Wood up to keep them healthy, I’d do it myself.
How did this turn into ME getting fatter? The Cubs aren’t paying me $3.575 mil. this season to throw ten miles an hour slower than 2 years ago.
That was Ron Santo on a good day.
later dudes…
Hey Kurt…I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Zambrano signing…just as soon as you take Prior’s cock out of your mouth.
Poor Cap’n. It only took you about 20 hours to think up that one. Maybe you should keep a notepad with you at all times. I’m sure you think up some great zingers at inopportune times, but if you were able to write them down you might actually remember them at a later date.
Hey, let’s try this one on for size. Greg Maddux uses steroids. Hah! Prove me wrong! He’s gained weight as he aged so it must be the juice! That’s the great thing about the internet: you can make asenine and absurd comments about players and their weight, and since none of it can be backed up with any kind of identifiable fact, nobody can prove you wrong. Which Cap’n knows all about, right? Because clearly, from the one picture we’ve seen of Mark Prior this spring, he looks like he’s lost a LOT of muscle mass. …or, are we assuming he’s back on the juice because he’s healthy again? I’m confused.
He’s clearly off the juice. We’ll chat more about this when he sees his first live action, and his once vaunted heater doesn’t break 88. What is asinine is that you have no idea how to spell it.
Zing.
It would be pretty freaky if Prior has lost velocity. From what I understand, players with elbow and shoulder problems rarely lose velocity unless they quit using steroids.
no more freaky than if the shoulder and elbow problems were the result of overdevelopment of certain muscle groups, due to abuse of horse medication. This argument is getting silly, as I am convinced that he has had a past history of steroid abuse, and you clearly find him to be far too dreamy to even see the possibility. Even when dreamboat Marky is throwing pussballs and getting taken deep twice an inning, apologists like yourself will fail to see this. I will admit to being wrong if he comes back with the stuff of two years ago. I seriously doubt you will when he is 1-6 with another 6.00+ ERA. Kiss the $3.575 mil. goodbye.
You are regrettably missing the point. Not only am I not denying that Mark Prior could’ve used steroids, I am suggesting he could still be using steroids or some kind of performance enhancer without any kind of fear of detection. Furthermore, I am relatively supportive of players who use steroids so long as they can get away with it because players have cheated in baseball since baseball became a sport.
If you go back and read what I wrote without an agenda, you will notice that I have said the following:
1. It is asinine to think that Prior would’ve ever stopped using performance enhancers
2. It is beyond stupid to accuse a player of using or of having stopped using based on a handful of spring training pictures where said player looks smaller.
I suppose the difference between you and I is that I don’t care to speculate one way or the other, and the bulk of our beef with each other is that I am calling you on your pointless and baseless speculation. But in case you still think I’m hero worshipping Prior to the point where I’m denying that he could be or could have been on steroids, let me say it again:
I don’t care if he uses, I don’t care if he ever used, and if he did ever use I don’t see why he’d stop using since the majority of the best products out there are totally untraceable. So push your agenda elsewhere and onto somebody else where it’s actually relevant. I mean, if you’re going to criticise me for feeling a certain way, you might as well actually read what I say to make sure that you’re right in your foolish assumptions.
Cheers.