Let’s chat, shall we? Please, sit. Please. No, really. I insist.
I know I’ve had some problems as of late, but frankly, you unsupporting internet tough guys are starting to annoy me and a lot of other people who are valuable members of this franchise. Mostly me, though. You’re mostly all annoying me.
I am speaking, of course, about you guys calling me everything from “Mary Prior” to “pussy” to “sandy vagina.” I don’t even know what that third one means, but it sure sounds like it’s a pretty mean thing to say.
And before you start calling me “pot,” I will freely admit that, in the past, I have been as guilty of being a big mean guy as anyone. I used to strut around here on my gargantuan calves like I owned the place. One time, I said some stuff to Barry Bonds that I regretted later that night while lying under my Go-Bots sheets. That said, this practice of being unsupportive buttheads has got to stop.
As of late, it seems that, every day, I become the victim of unruly sportswriters, bloggers, message board posters, and just big stupid jerks writing awful, awful things about me. As the most prolific pitcher that you guys will ever see, I can tell you that it really sucks when you put a ton of work into becoming a great pitcher, and you go to sleep at night, and you wake up to find that there are 200+ articles written by Gordon Wittenmyer alone about you, only to discover upon reading them that most of the articles have nothing to do with what I did for the team 4 years ago. Hello? 18 wins? Anyone remember those? Yeah, I’ve only gotten 18 wins since then, but that wouldn’t matter if you guys were a little more sensitive. It’s like “Earth to Cubs fans: Mark Prior feels bad and maybe you should think about that when you’re piling on him and talking about how he has menstrual cramps.”
All that said, enough. Okay? I’m here for a reason: to cash my paychecks, pitch when I feel like it, and detract attention away from Kerry Wood (By the way, it’s sooooooooo not cool that you guys call him “Carrie.” He’s a sweet guy. Leave him alone.). Can’t I just do that in peace?
Look, it’s not going to be easy for me to go down to Iowa and hang out with those guys. Did you know that they sometimes have to ride buses to games? Buses! Do you hear me complaining? No. I’m going to suck it up, hold my nose, and try to avoid direct eye contact with the other guys. Because that’s the kind of guy I am. A man of the people. Even when those people put their used cups over your face like a gas mask when you fall asleep on the bus (real funny, guys).
I’m not posting this to pick on anyone, but rather to let you guys know that, as much fun as you guys have here, this is starting to cause problems. Please try to be considerate of me (and of my other teammates, if you get around to it).
The season is starting. There’s going to be a lot more to talk about. Let’s all have fun and keep other people’s feelings in mind and just try to be a little more supportive of me.
Thanks.
-Mark P.
That’s Commissioner Gordon to you buddy.
Go-Bots sheets?!? Awesome.
You used me. I don’t think I mean what you think I mean.
And furthermore, they didn’t treat me like this at the University of Spoiled Children.
Hi stew.
Hey Mark,
Let’s go out for a beer. Or, in your case, a wine spritzer.
producing abundant works or results
Nope, I was used correctly. As a prolific pitcher, Mark Prior produced abundant wins in one season. He was me in 2003, as a pitcher.
Go fuck yourself #3.
Gee, Mark Prior sounds a lot like me. And he is also really, ridiculously good looking.
I don’t apply for the entirity of Prior’s career however. Unless you’re talking about injuries, missed starts, simulated games, and towel drills. In that case, yes, I apply.
OK you idiots. I’ve been reading this crap for a week now and it’s terrible, I’ve been throwing potshots your way under anonymous names for a good while now and you’re just not seeming to grasp what I’m saying.
I suggest you all follow Tim’s lead and emulate a REAL Cubs message board. Give us a message board that’s chock full of solid Cubs information without all the lame inside jokes and negative energy.
We root for our team. This Mark Prior piece is a disgrace. Dolan only wrote one funny article a year and now this Kermit asshole is being lame on TWO sites. That’s not justice, it’s a damn shame.
He used to post on our board you know. He made fun of Jack Black. Jack Black is FUCKING AWESOME. You just don’t GET it. He’s funny because he’s LOUDER THAN YOU.
I’ve had it with you people. You’re making my eczema flare up again.
We all hate you Sulleymon. Even your mother. That’s why you have a coathanger scar across your face. She knew you were going to be a quivering fuckup and tried to abort you.
Has anyone ever noticed that my mascot, the “Trojan”, is actually dressed like a Roman general? Gotta go…have a meeting with OJ Mayo’s mortgage broker and the Hummer salesman.
Inform O.J. that we’ll fuck him in both of those places…as well as on the beach, and every single NBA All-Star weekend for the price of an airline ticket. And we’re on the pill. Seriously, we are. Wink, wink.
That’s so priceless it’s got to be fake.
Hi, CT
We think you Mark Prior haters are LOSERS. We will happily shout down anyone that disses the world’s greatest pitcher. When we trade for Adam Dunn, our team is going to be AWESOME. I hope I can skip my freshman English exams to go to one of the games, that will be the best.
Hey #10:
The next time you want to impersonate ME, you bettter get a dictionary. You’re vocabulary is terrible. That means its bad. I am way smarter than anyone else that posts here and I am offended that you idiots were tricked that easy. You’re passive aggressiveness is insulting to me. I’m so angry I could throw stuff, but Mother told me not to play ball in the house. She can’t stop me from thinking bad thoughts, though. Or looking at gay porn. No. She’ll never stop me from doing that.
#18, you used “you’re” incorrectly. Phony.
Dolan,
Last year in mid September my cousin and went to the last Cubs-Satanic Fowl series in St. Louis to the new and improved Urinal Cake. It was the game where Gary Bennett really kicked us in the nuts and hit a grand slam to win the game in the 9th.
But anyway, after the game cuz and I were of course drowning our sorrows and decided to stroll over to that floating barge on the Mighty Miss called the Casino Queen. We get on the boat and stumble around a bit and who else is sitting at a blackjack table, none other then yours truly Mrs. Mark Prior.
He had a seat right open next to him so my dumbass (decked out in my Hawaiian Cubs shirt and Cub hat) sit right next to him. I didn’t say a word to him except one time I asked him if I should take a hit on one of my flops. Sure enough he said to hit and I busted.
His right arm seemed fine to me at that time. That stupid bastard lost every hand while I was there (it was only about 6 or 7 hands). He got up and tipped the dealer $200. I guess he thought that I was going to heckle his pussyass any minute and decided he better make wind.
That cunt really has ben a true disappointment. But my cousin and I will never forget that moment. Seeing that we were so close to a Minor League baseball player that evening.
Baker Basher
We’ll all love Prior again, just as soon as the new dosage of HGH kicks in, and he’s once again the healthy, meaty calfed, veiny stud he used to be. I figure 2-3 weeks in Iowa and he’ll forget all about his health in his 50’s, and fire up a few syringes. He’ll be back in Chicago by the all-star break.
Derek Zoolander:
March 30th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Gee, Mark Prior sounds a lot like me. And he is also really, ridiculously good looking.
When the time comes to draft the eugoogily to Prior’s MLB career, we know who to turn to.
Attention all I-Cub fans:
Mary will be at the $5 tables at Prairie Meadows Race Track and Casino in Des Moines for all least the next year. Bring your souvenir plastic Jody Davis catcher’s lids and sharpies….