In the past, we’ve done our Super Bowl recaps live. This year, our pending Web site changes and my general sloth persuaded me to watch the game with a notepad. About ten minutes into this, I wished I was doing it live. Oh, well. Live and learn.

Anyway, here are my notes from the Super Bowl. Because I just didn’t have the energy for four hours of Chris Berman, I only watched the pre-game show fitfully. So we’ll pick up the snark at just after 5 p.m. CST.

The Raiders are introduced as a team, and then, so are the Buccaneers. You just know this frosts Al Michaels who, if not for this idea last year by the Patriots would be introducing at least 22 players. Al loves to hear himself talk, and unfortunately for him, it’s just not going to happen.

Lynn Swann is doing the obligatory pre-game interview with John Lynch. Does any other player do live network TV right before every kickoff, or is it just John? Swann asks him, “What’s it like to play in a Super Bowl game in front of your home fans?” Uhh, Lynn. The game hasn’t started yet.

Gone With the Wind is on TNT from 5 p.m. until 10 p.m. Five hours? How many commercials do you have to cram into a movie to make it last five hours? By the way, I still have the hots for 1939 Vivien Leigh.

Jimmy Kimmel has a TV show? Really? Wow, you’d think ABC would promote this, or something.

Celine Dion is singing God Bless America. Huh? Celine? Isn’t she a French Canadian?
God Bless America
Land I’m not from
Stand beside her, and guide her
I left Canada to make money—I’m not dumb

The Dixie Chicks are signing the Anthem, and are doing a mighty fine job. Karry Ling just walked by the office and said, “That fat one’s still cute as hell.”

Why do people high five after the Anthem? “Yay! I’m an American!” “So am I!” “Gimme five!”

Why was there no moment of silence for Nell Carter?

I remember Nell singing at the Orange Bowl in (estimating here) 1994. My friend Eric and I were watching the halftime and Nell was looking superhuge. I wondered aloud, “How big are her underwear?” That’s my only real memory of Nell.

Eric has a good Iowa joke that I’ll hide somewhere in this recap.

989 Sports is spending lots of money on commercials for NFL Gameday 2003 and I’m wondering—Who plays this game? Doesn’t everybody already have Madden 2003 and/or NFL2K3?

You may not have noticed, but I did. In the Pizza Hut commercial for their “golden ring” pizza, the woman who thinks her fat boyfriend is going to propose (when in fact he’s holding a “golden ring” pizza behind his back) is Anna Bocci, the host of TLC’s While You Were Out. I love this show, because it makes me think I’ll have a girlfriend who will send me out of the house for a weekend and when I come back my living room will be turned into some cool-assed home theatre with a wide screen TV and a stripper pole in the living room.

Anyway, Anna’s in the commercial!

It’s time for the coin toss and the Raiders have sent 42 people to midfield to be the captains.

The Bucs have only sent six, but one of them, offensive lineman Jeff Christy, is wearing his helmet. Does he know something we don’t?

Oh, for chrissakes, not the ’72 Dolphins! I hate the ’72 Dolphins! Go away! Just leave.

Bob Griese said “Hi mom!” to the camera. Shut up, Bob.

I think Don Shula tried to get a plug in for his steakhouse during the coin toss.

Bill Carollo is our referee and during the coin toss he forgot which team was the home team (Tampa) and then turned them the wrong way. Yeah, this is going to be a finely run game.

Tampa comes out in their no huddle offense on the first possession. Madden says, “They want to change the tempo of the game.”

Uhh, John. This is the first possession of the game. They can’t change the tempo. They can, however set the tempo.

Brad Johnson turns into Jim Miller and throws an interception right to Charles Woodson. Keenan McCardell had just torched Woodson and was running unabated down the sidelines. Only the pass was at least ten yards behind him. Ouch.

Al just used the word “alacrity”. He always uses the word. What a pompous ass.

The Raiders are introducing themselves on camera. Charlie Garner says he went to “the University of the Untouchables”. Huh? You went to Tennessee. Right?

Now it’s the Bucs’ defense and Simeon Rice says he went to the “school of hard knocks.” Clever. Make it stop.

The Raiders have a third down inside the Bucs’ 20 and Simeon flattens Rich Gannon. The Raiders have to settle for a field goal and it’s 3-0 Oakland.

Budweiser’s new ridiculous horses playing football commercial takes on a nice twist with a zebra holding up the action while reviewing a play on instant replay.

Back to the real game. Aaron Stecker (from Western Illinois University) returns the kick and after he’s obviously down, he loses the ball. No ref blew a whistle and then the refs converge on each other with looks of “What the hell do we do now?” on their faces. They give the ball to Oakland, hoping that replay will save their ass.

It will, but why should Tampa have to waste a challenge on such an obvious play?

Bill Carollo isn’t impressing anybody so far. Where’s Ed Hochuli when you need him? Or Johnny Greer?

Finally, Carollo reverses the call and gives the ball back to the Bucs. ABC shows Stecker yelling at a ref, “That was bulls@#$!” He’s right.

The Raiders defense is now introducing themselves. Napoleon Harris says he went to “Dixmoor University” and Charles Woodson names his Pop Warner team. Time to stop the taped intros, I think.

Remember when the XFL had the guys introduce themselves live on the field? Yikes.

The Bucs are moving the ball. Michael Pittman just gained 23 yards on a sweep. A sweep! Is John Shoop watching any of this?

The Bucs settle for a 31-yard field goal by Martin, the elder of the Grammatica elves.

Ozzy Osbourne and family have the funniest commercial so far. But the best part is when Jack and Kelly turn into Donny and Marie Osmond and start singing, “I’m a little bit county, and I’m a little bit rock n’ roll.”

Don’t you think the Bucs should have broken out the orange and white uniforms, just for old times’ sake? How gay were those things?

Remember when Sam Wyche took the job and a reporter asked if he thought the Bucs had an image problem? He answered, “Our logo is a guy with a feather in his hat, winking at you. Don’t you think that’s a problem?”

The Raiders ran three plays and punted. Then the Bucs did the same.

Madden complains that both teams using the no-huddle means “that they can’t get any rest for their defenses.”

Two things: 1) Both teams are running three and out, so nobody’s getting tired.
2) ABC is going to commercial every :14 seconds, so not only are the teams fresh, they’re probably sleepy.

I have a new favorite commercial. The Bud Lite commercial with the upside down clown who looks like he’s drinking beer through his ass. I loved the last line:
“Can I get one of those hot dogs?”
“No!”

Al Michaels says that Chris Cooper is playing d-line for the Raiders. I loved him in October Sky and Adaptation.

With :08 left in the first quarter, Dexter Jackson picks off a pass. Rich Gannon is not looking real good.

And are Tim Brown and Jerry Rice still on the team, or did they retire before the game?

We get a nice shot of trainers stitching up Raiders’ fullback John Ritchie’s face. Yum.

The Bucs are running the same offense we ran at Durand High School in 1990. Two tight ends and a wingback. This…this is not good. It was fine for Illinois high school football. But it shouldn’t be working in the Super Bowl! This is a big red flag for the Raiders.

On third and eight from the Raiders’ 28, Brad Johnson throws the ball into the stands. Who does he think he is, Cade McNown?

Speaking of that. Anybody know who stands to get a Super Bowl ring as the Raiders’ third string QB?

Rick Mirer!

Muahahahahahahaha!

Martin makes a 45 yarder to make it 6-3 Bucs with 11:16 left in the second quarter.

I said before the game that if the Bucs have the lead in the second quarter or later it’s over.

It’s over.

Jennifer Garner is hot. I mean, really hot. But even that’s not enough to make me watch Alias tonight.

I’m watching the Jackie Chan-Michael Jordan Hanes commercial and really, are t-shirt tags that itchy?

The role of Larry Brown is being played tonight by Dexter Jackson. He just got his second interception and returned it 25 yards to the Oakland 45.

Al Michaels just said, “You’d love to be at a disco with Jon Gruden as the DJ.” What? What the hell is he talking about?

Madden: “Charles Woodson with a plate in his leg isn’t really Charles Woodson.” Yeah, but Don Zimmer with a plate in his head is still Don Zimmer.

ABC showed that Tampa Bay’s defense has held opposing quarterbacks to a 41.3 passer rating this year. Al: “That’ll get you put on the waiver wire.” Yeah, or on the Bears.

Meanwhile, the Raiders defense is busy making Michael Pittman look like Gayle Sayers.

A Mike Alstott two yard TD run with 6:24 left in the half makes it 13-3.

I like the NFL logo field goal nets, but shouldn’t they turn it around so the logo isn’t backwards for the 100,000,000 TV viewers?

Oakland has gained 39 yards on the first six possessions. Just to clarify: this is not good.

Madden: “How many owners would pay two number ones, two number twos and eight million dollars for a coach if you knew you’d win next year’s Super Bowl? At least 30.” So what two teams are he leaving out? I’m guessing the Bears and the Bengals.

ABC is showing the Glazer Family, the owners of the Bucs. Wow, that is one creepy family. Malcom Glazer looks like Wayne Messmer–without the bullet in his neck.

Is Raiders’ defensive end Regan Upshaw offsides on every play?

Madden: “The last thing they need is a stupid jumping offsides.” Did Madden just call Regan Upshaw “a stupid”?

ABC is ignoring the fact that Raiders’ Pro Bowl center Barrett Robbins isn’t at the game. He apparently went to Tijuana earlier in the week and was late getting to a team meeting.

I think I just figured out what happened. I’ll bet he went to Tijuana with Regan Upshaw and they were supposed to meet at Upshaw’s car for the ride home, but (everybody together now) Upshaw left early! Oh, I kill me.

AT&T just had a lame commercial where the Gilligan’s Island cast (not really them) is shown being rescued by the Coast Guard because Gilligan had a phone with MLife and was able to call them when they got stranded. Good thing that deserted island had a cell tower on it, I guess.

With :30 left in the half, Brad Johnson finds Keenan McCardell on a 7 yard TD pass to make it 20-3. The victim? Charles Woodson. AGAIN. He makes Elvis Patterson look like Deion Sanders.

Maybe Woodson is wearing his Heisman?

At the half, the score is 20-3 Tampa. The total yards are 198 for Tampa and 62 for Oakland. Double yikes.

This morning on ESPN’s Sports Reporters Mike Lupica jumped all over Sal Palontonio for picking Tampa to win the game. Loopy ranted and raved and shouted that the only reason the Bucs beat the Eagles was “because Donovan McNabb had a bad game.” Sal the Pal tried, but could not convince the screaming maniac that the Bucs defense caused Donovan’s bad day. Maybe Loopy should go ask Rich Gannon’s opinion right now?

Don’t you think that Adam Carrolla, finding out that his best friend got a network TV talk show elicited the same reaction that you or I would have if our best friend bought a pool table. Cool, I’m going to use that thing all the time!

Shania Twain is prancing arounding singing about feeling like a woman at the Super Bowl halftime. Didn’t Michael Jackson do this about five years ago? She just needs to grab her crotch now.

Sting? Just go away.

Oakland gets the ball to start the second half and they need a TD badly.

One-two-three-kick.

Uh-oh. Methinks the Super Bowl’s over.

Madden: “The best officiated games are the ones where you don’t notice the officials at all.” It’s official, this man hasn’t had an original thought in 17 years.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Keyshawn Johnson is a dick. But he’s a great guy to have on your team. He hangs out in the middle of the field, catches everything and takes a beating. The Bears should send his game films to David Terrell.

Hey Madden just said something!

Al said something about Alstott making the Pro Bowl every year and Madden mocked, “Yeah, but it’s only because they list him at fullback.” Nice.

On third and seven the Bucs get a first down pass to Joe Jurevicius. There’s a flag on the play and it’s offsides on the Raiders. What are the odds that it’s on Regan Upshaw?

How about 1:1.

Madden is incredulous at the lack of emotion coming from the Raiders. He’s right. Hell, they’re so sedate, even Bill Romanowski’s not fired up enough to cheap shot anybody.

Keenan McCardell catches another TD pass and with 5:30 left in the third, it’s 27-3 Tampa.

Subway’s new Jared commercial introduces us to his wife. She looks like she should be on the Subway diet, too.

And, in the great placement of commericals category: Right after we meet Jared’s ample wife, we get a Bud Light commercial where a guy warns his buddy that what his girlfriend’s mother looks like is what the girlfriend will look like in 20 years. We then see a very pretty older woman with, apparently, his girlfriend, only she has an ass the size of Nell Carter.

Take that, add it to the Subway commercial and make your own conclusion.

Every time Marcus Knight returns a kick, a Buc kick coverage guy absolutely annihilates him. Awesome.

With 4:47 to go in the third, Dwight Smith (of the ’89 Cubs?!?) puts the final nail in the Raiders’ coffin with a 45 yard interception return for a touchdown. It’s 34-3 now, and we need something to save this game.

We get it with Reebok’s Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. Oh, what a great commercial. I love Terry Tate!

With 4:36 left in the third, ABC shows this stat:

First Downs– Tampa Bay 20, Oakland 3

Yeeee-ikes!

Al Michaels just compared Rich Gannon to Don Drysdale. First off, Don Drysdale? When was the last time Al was at a baseball game, 1967? Secondly, let’s give Al the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just thinks Rich is playing like a dead man. He’d be right.

2:14 left in the third. Jerry Porter makes what looks like a futile attempt to catch a long pass in the back of the end zone. A replay, however, shows Jerry got both feet in bounds. Raider coach Bill Callahan awakens from his coma to challenge the play.

Replays show the ball in Jerry’s hands with both feet in. Al doesn’t think it’s a good catch. Man, I know Al Michaels hates Al Davis, but this much?

Madden even knows it’s a TD and eventually, so does Bill Carollo. 34-9 Bucs. And the Raiders, are for no apparent reason, going for two.

Why? To cut the lead to an all-important 23? That’s still three scores and three two point conversions. Just kick it, Bill.

Gannon is sacked and now it’s still a 25-point game. There is now no way the Raiders can tie the game with three scores.

Why is Lynn Swann on my TV? Thankfully his mic doesn’t work very well.

With 14:16 left in the fourth, Tom Tupa (he’s still alive?) gets his punt blocked by Tim Johnson and returned for a touchdown by Eric Johnson. It’s now 34-15 and I’m guessing Bill Callahan wishes he hadn’t gone for two last time.

The Raiders try it again and it fails. Again. 34-15. Al and John want to pretend the Raiders are back in it. They’re not.

Madden says of Oakland showing some life, “You just wonder if it’s too much, too late.”

What? Huh?

The Bucs march impressively down the field and set up for a field goal. A bad snap ends up with the ball in the hands of kicker Martin Grammatica. I begin to yell, “Come on Garo, run! Run Garo, run!” Martin does the smart thing and falls down.

Al Michaels immediately conjures up the memory of Garo Yepremian, too–him, me and about 40,000,000 others.

What, Jimmy Kimmel has a TV show?

Really? They should promote this somehow.

I’m taking the time to muse that John Lynch is the Bucs’ version of Gary Fencik.

I’m now jotting down the depth chart of the ’85 Bears. Whatever happened to Henry Waechter, Tyrone Keys, Ken Margerum and Tim Wrightman?

With 6:06 left, Gannon throws a 48 yard TD pass to Jerry Rice. This makes it 34-21 and now Bill Callahan must REALLY wish he hadn’t gone for two twice.

They try it again and Joey Porter catches a pass on the endline and is pushed out of bounds. Unless he defied every law of gravity he would not have landed in bounds. The officials get it right and Al tells us that the officials cannot review whether or not Porter WOULD have landed in bounds.

So Bill Callahan challenges it. Is this man on crystal meth? Was he hanging with Barrett Robbins? All it did was cost the Raiders a timeout.

Bill Carolla says eloquently, “After review, the ruling on the play stands. The receiver didn’t get either feet in bounds.”

Either feet? Huh?

Now Madden has his quote of the night. “I never paid any attention to the two point thing until the end of the game.” Uhh…John, you never coached with the two point conversion. Wow. He’s so far gone it’s scary.

The Bucs are making first downs and Bill Callahan is firing his timeouts into the sky. I’ve seen 12 year olds playing Madden 2003 who manage the clock better than Oakland.

The Bucs finally get a real punt off and the Raiders have one very slim chance.

It ends with 1:18 left when Gannon throws a 45 yard TD pass to…Bucs linebacker Derrick Brooks. Does Derrick Brooks score a TD every game or does it just seem like it?

41-21 Bucs. Drive home safely.

Tampa Bay cracks out the hats and shirts and Al has a genuinely good comment. “Lee Flowers of the Steelers called the Bucs ‘paper champions’. Well, when he picks up the paper tomorrow—they’ll be champions.”

Why are the Raiders still throwing? You’re down 20, just run the clock out.

With 0:02 left, Dwight Smith becomes the first player in Super Bowl history to score two defensive TDs when he returns another interception. It’s 48-21.

Al announces that Dexter Jackson is the defensive MVP. He really, truly is Larry Brown now.

Rich Gannon threw five TD passes in the game. Two to the Raiders and THREE to the Bucs. Ouch.

As Martin Grammatica jumps for joy, Madden confuses him with Bill Grammatica, the dwarf who hurt himself while celebrating a meaningless extra point last year.

As the game ends, Al tells us to stay tuned to the postgame where Bon Jovi will perform. Why? Has Bon Jovi performed at every game this year? They did the first game in New York, they did Thanksgiving in Detroit…Make it stop!

Back on the ABC set, Michael Strahan is babbling and all I can see is that he undid the top button on his dress shirt and forgot to rebutton it. Classy.

The last time a mediocre DB won the Super Bowl MVP, the Raiders paid him big coin in the offseason. Welcome to the Raider family, Dexter Jackson!

Simeon Rice is being interviewed and he’s an eloquent guy, so why did he just say, “Warren went out and did what he do.” Huh?

Keyshawn was the only Buc with enough brains to take his shoulder pads off before he put his championship t-shirt on.

And before Penn and Teller amazed us with that lame conclusion to the “magic” trick, we got my enduring image of this Super Bowl.

Andrea Kramer in the Raiders locker room interviewing Bill Callahan while naked Raiders walked to the showers behind them. What is this the Super Bowl presented by Vivid Video?

Thankfully we didn’t actually see any Raiders’ team “members”.

Let’s give it one last, big, Yikes.

Hey, only 200 days until the Bears open the new Soldier Field. Ooh, pinch me.