I?ll admit it. In recent weeks I thought both Real World-Vegas and The Osbournes had lost their fastball. But last night completely restored my faith in the entertainment value of both programs.
Let?s start with The Real World. I think we finally have an opportunity for the first successful reality show spinoff. I propose The Toxic Family, starring baggy-eyed and overly emotional Arissa. Her domineering and illogical mother will co-star, though I?m unsure if there?s even a need for her physical presence as her phone rants stand alone. “That b!tch did not just hang up on me!”. What mother drops the B-word on her own daughter? Then we?ve got Uncle Robert. He?s equal parts pathetic, creepy, and just in general wants to “be hung with”. Sponsors of The Toxic Family can have their corporate logo branded on Robert?s mesh ballcap for the right price. It?s not like they actually “extradite” you to another state for an oustanding warrant, right? Especially for something as trivial as a failure to appear for a restraining order? Um, let?s hope so anyway?
Seriously, Arissa?s family puts the ?fun? back in ?dysfunctional? and I love them for it. I?d gotten very tired of the whole Alton-Irulan-Gabe love triangle, and Trishelle and Brynn just aren?t any fun when they?re not having drunken unprotected sex or throwing forks at people. And have you ever heard a more annoying speech pattern than Frank?s? Can he BE a bigger dork? Is it possible for him to over-STRESS any more words? This dude has even Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwait scrambling for the mute button on Tuesdays?
Then there?s the Osbournes. You have to feel for Sharon and Ozzy. They buy their daughter a sweet vintage ride for her birthday, take her and a bunch of her and Jack?s friends to the Venetian and all she wants to do is throw a bratty tantrum. Never mind that Ozzy got suckered in to a performance, or that Sharon is struggling to find the energy to have a good time despite her chemotherapy.
Obviously the Osbournes have a ridiculously high tolerance for what they let their kids get away with, but Kelly?s ?friend? Sarah seriously has to go. She?s a Courtney Love wannabe without the average looks, surgically enhanced body, or arguable talent. But my biggest problem with the whole birthday episode was why in the hell did the kids stay at the Venetian if they wanted to drink so badly? They?re in freakin? Vegas! Couldn?t they go wherever they wanted? Like the Palms!!! How great would that have been? Jack could?ve knocked up Trishelle and we?d have our second reality-TV spinoff.
It?s really the Kentucky Wildcats who are to thank for my enjoyable evening of MTV. Florida came in to Rupp Arena as the #1 team for the first time in their program?s history. I hope they enjoyed their top billing for the couple of hours they held it. Had the Wildcats not dominated Florida from the tip, I would have been stuck watching the game for twice as long as I did. Dickie V. is calling Kentucky one of two sure-fire Final Four teams (along with Arizona). I?m not sure I?d go that far—-but they held an offensively explosive Gator squad without a field goal for over 11 minutes in the first half. Tubby?s teams have always been able to score in spurts, but I?m not sure they?ve ever shown such a commitment to defense. Playing at Rupp, and having the team and crowd fired up to knock off the #1 team in the nation had something to do with that performance, but they were still very impressive nonetheless. But not quite as impressive as the educated, yet still extremely appreciative crowd who opted to stand and cheer rather than storm the court. Don?t worry though, a court did get stormed—-in Colorado after #3 Texas was upset by 7 points.
Tonight Rivalry week continues with Cincy/Louisville and Duke/Carolina. Jason Williams is getting his jersey retired tonight. No word yet on whether he?ll be too exhausted to stand during the ceremonies or if Jamal Crawford will be on hand to whine and cry?
Bracket Projections Update (through games of 2-5-03):
WEST
(Salt Lake City) #1 Arizona – #16 blabhblah; #8 BYU – #9 Gonzaga
(Spokane) #5 Indiana – #12 LSU; #4 Kansas – #13 blahblahb
(Birmingham) #6 Dayton – #11 Fresno St.; #3 Georgia – #14 blabhblah
(Salt Lake City) #7 Utah – #10 Arizona St.; #2 Oklahoma – #15 blabhblah
MIDWEST
(Oklahoma City) #1 Ok. State – #16 blabhblah; #8 Wisconsin – #9 Wyoming
(Spokane) #5 Cincy – #12 Hawaii; #4 Purdue – #13 blahblahb
(Tampa) #6 Cal – #11 Minnesota; #3 Maryland – #14 blabhblah
(Indy) #7 Creighton – #10 Texas Tech; #2 Notre Dame – #15 blabhblah
SOUTH
(Indy) #1 Kentucky – #16 blabhblah; #8 Marquette – #9 Oregon
(Birmingham) #5 Alabama – #12 Michigan St.; #4 Stanford – #13 blahblahb
(Oklahoma City) #6 Wake Forest – #11 Memphis; #3 Texas – #14 blabhblah
(Boston) #7 Missouri – #10 Auburn; #2 Pitt – #15 blabhblah
EAST
(Nashville) #1 Louisville – #16 blabhblah; #8 Xavier – #9 UConn
(Nashville) #5 Mississippi St. – #12 Villanova; #4 Duke – #13 blahblahb
(Boston) #6 Illinois – #11 Kent State; #3 Syracuse – #14 blabhblah
(Tampa) #7 St. Joseph?s – #10 N.C. State; #2 Florida – #15 blabhblah
Good thing you appeared in court when that sheep slapped you with a restraining order. Although I am sure you would have liked jail.
I am going to stop poking fun at Jake. He and I have a lot in common. We both like to watch college hoops. The only difference is that I don’t masturbate to them!
This is too easy!
JNI, is your mom monitoring your internet usage? Be careful man, I don’t want you getting grounded or having your Legos taken away or anything. I’m sure you’re really a pretty good kid.
I agree with you though—–"this is too easy" for you. Assuming you’re defining ‘this’ as immature humor that’s widely accepted on most of this nation’s grade school playgrounds. Let’s try something……. Poop! Did I make you laugh? I’ll bet that I did.
My biggest concern is that you seem incapable of having more than one thought per minute. (Judging the time stamp on your comments). Why not just save up all your witty banter and put it all in one post? Or is it a case of suddenly thinking of another zinger that you just have to add for the benefit of the Desipio readership?
If you’d like you can just email me your ‘takes’ and I’m happy to incorporate them in to my next article… Tell me a little about yourself. Your hopes, your dreams, your fears. If this is a cry for help, then I’m here to listen. I’m also happy to talk about things that specifically interest you like Teletubbies and The B-52’s. Did you know they’re performing during the NBA’s All Star Weekend? I’m sure you’re very excited.
Finally, I noticed you dropped the apostrophe from your name per my suggestion (Most people don’t have apostrophes in their names ya know?)… But I didn’t intend for you to drop the ‘s’ as well… Add that back in and I think you have the oh so clever Jakes N. Idiot, which reads Jakes an idiot, that you’ve been futilely grasping for… Then again you could just go with your ‘real’ name. Simply your first name would do. Don’t worry I’m not intending to come after my critics Jay and Silent Bob style.
Yes, I did laugh at the word "poop".
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