I don’t have a handle yet on what the allure of this edition of Survivor will end up being. It could be Christa, the dope fiend on Drake, who will likely go into the DTs by the sixth show. It might be Tijuana, the truly good looking and hilariously named member of Morgan. It might even be smarmy lawyer/Morgan leader Andrew, who says things like, “digging” and we don’t mean the shovel kind.

Groovy.

Last night’s show started with the typical “Previously on Survivor” montage.

Previously, on Survivor: Pearl Islands. We got a bunch of suckers on a boat and threw them overboard. One tribe was named after a plundering, pillaging, rapist pirate, the other after a bottle of rum. Yo, ho, ho. The Drake tribe was made up of ambitious, smart, people. Oh, and some complete loser named Jon. The Morgan tribe was made up of idiots.

That about sums it up. Before our first new scene we are treated to the happy, cartoon bears of Charmin showing us how much fun it is to indeed s@#$ in the woods. What kind of acid was the guy who dreamed up this campaign, on? Where can I get some.

Probably from Christa.

Anyway, there the happy s@#$$ing bears are, s@#$$ing away in the woods. And, they are thoughtful enough to hang a roll of Charmin on a tree branch so they can wipe themselves. How hygenic! Who knew?

I’ll bet the castaways wish they had some Charmin right about now.

We start off at Morgan, where Osten, who still can’t spell his own name, says, “This island is no Holiday Inn.” I try to laugh, but can’t. Because my thoughts are filled with sadness for Osten, who equates the ultimate in luxury to a Holiday Inn. Or, maybe he’s just aiming for a little advertising deal after he gets thrown off this Panamanian Holiday Inn.

Andrew, the smarmy lawyer (redundant) guy is worried about sleep deprivation. They can’t sleep on the sand because the crabs get them. (Sure honey, that’s how I caught crabs. It wasn’t from the Carribbean whores I nailed once I got voted off.) They can’t sleep in their shoddy shelter beause the floor is too uneven. If you’re that tired, you’ll fall asleep anywhere. I once slept in the trunk of a Dodge Avenger. I’m not even making that up.

Ryan S. (the S stands for slacker!) agrees with Andrew, but it’s awfully hard to take Ryan seriously since he’s wearing his buff on his head like he’s either recently lost all of his hair or like he’s getting a perm and is ready to sit under the salon dryer. Ryan says they need a backup plan for sleep.

Huh? What’s the alternative to sleep? Not sleeping. They’re doing that. They need a backup plan for not sleeping.

Osten says of Ryan, “Physically, he doesn’t have nothing to offer.” He continues, “Unlike I, for I have excellently good grammar.”

At Drake, Rupert is going on about how well he’s sleeping. He says he loves it on the island. He compares it to the Bellaggio. OK, he doesn’t, but it would have made a nice counter to what Osten said.

Rupert is still out catching fish, only now he’s kissing them. I’m not making this up. He spears a fish to death, and if that’s not embarassing enough for the fish, who just got speared by a fat guy in front of the entire school (how’s that for a pun?), but then the fat guy kisses him. Oh, the horror!

We then see the Drake tribe eating lots of fish. Rupert says something, never said by a Survivor contestant outside of an reward challenge when he says, “Whew, I’m full. I can’t eat any more.”

At Morgan, Ryan goes to get the tree-mail and he’s doing a pirate voice when he says, “Arrgh. Tree mail!” He then says, “This challenge is super important for me.” Do we think pirates ever said the said words super important?

“Arrgh, ye matee! It’s super important that you rape this whore and make her walk the plank!”

Probably not.

I think the last pirate to say “super important” was John Smiley.

Anal explains the reward challenge (it’s dumb as hell, I’m not even going to bother explaining it), and tells them the winning team gets the first third of their buried treasure map. CBS and their sponsors have buried a treasure chest on both islands. The first reward challenges will give the tribes a chance to win portions of their map so they can see what kind of booty they have.

Booty?

Is J. Lo on the island?

The other bonus is that every time you win a reward challenge this year, the winning tribe sends a member to the losing tribe to “loot” one item. I’ve seen this done. Normally when you loot you get a color TV or a stereo or something. Sweet!

OK, I do have to explain part of the challenge. There were some treasure items out in the sea that they had to dive for and then when they got them all, they had to all go back and lug a big treasure chest onto shore.

Ryan S. goes first and we learn that the “s” does not stand for swimmer. He’s too physically weak to swim out and then dive to the sea floor. He has to give up. Hee hee.

When he gets back to shore there’s a lovely shot of snot rolling down his face.

The most disturbing thing is that Lillian, the boy scout master from Ohio has taken her shorts off and is swimming in her underwear. Eww.

When the Drakes move the chest on to shore they have to hold their breath, go under grab the chest move it a few yards and start over. You couldn’t help but notice that Krista, probably craving some meth, thinks that in order to hold your breath, your cheeks–not your lungs–need to be full of air. Hysterical. She looked like she was having a bee sting allergic reaction with her puffed out cheeks.

Drake wins the challenge, easily. They get part of their map and then send Sandra, the saucy little Hispanic woman to Morgan to get their “loot.” She is told to get their water bucket. But the crafty Morgans have hidden it. So she takes the tarp over their shoulder. She tries to be nice about it, but it seems pretty mean. I loved it.

We meet Darrah, who’s pretty attractive and she’s not happy being a Morgan. She says of Drake, “Those guys are a bunch of total a$$holes.” Nicely put.

Osten has decided he wants to quit. He’s not a doctor and he doesn’t play one on TV, but he feels a bout of pneumonia coming on. Really? Can you feel that coming? That’s when Andrew says, “What we need right now are people who are digging this game.”

Huh? “Diggin’?” I’m surprised Andrew’s not wearing a nehru jacket and some John Denver granny glasses.

Tijuana, in her own tactful way, calls Osten a pussy.

Back at Drake, Shawn is getting a lecture from Rupert about how important it is to make sure the spear tip on the spear gun is on tight. Can we all see what’s going to happen? Nah.

Shawn loses the spear gun tip. Rupert looks like he’s either going to kill Shawn or himself. Rupert mocks Shawn by saying, “Oh, he said he couldn’t look for the spear tip because the current was too rough out there in the ocean. We’re in an inlet, it’s like a damn bathtub out there!”

I like Rupert. Though I’m glad I’m not sharing an island with him.

Christa says that Shawn shouldn’t be allowed to fish any more. Shawn acts exasperated. Christa says, “Shawn’s the biggest puss I’ve ever seen.”

I want to party with Christa.

I’m digging her, and she’s digging this game. Right Andrew? Oh, wrong tribe.

Rupert stands on the shore and cries at the death of his speargun tip.

Then, he takes action. He explains that he figured out the farthest point Shawn could have been at when he lost the spear and started swimming a “grid pattern” to look for it. He claims his search area was the size of “five or six football fields.” Whatever.

Suddenly we hear this unhuman roar, and it’s Rupert, screaming for joy at the discovery of his spear gun tip.

Shawn says, “Where’d you find it.”
Rupert says, “In the ocean.”

They’re a regular Martin and Lewis, those two.

The immunity challenge involves some swimming, some digging and some math. Suffice it to say, Morgan loses.

Ryan mentally packs his bags. But then, he doesn’t have anything to pack.

We then see a commercial for the Cuba Gooding, Jr. movie “Radio” about the retarded football player. The tag line for this should be, “Radio: the movie that will make you feel guilty about laughing.”

Andrew says that another loss has “devastated” the tribe. Boo hoo.

Osten wants out. He goes to Ryan and begs to get booted.

Andrew is jealous of Drake and refers to Rupert as “Grizzly Adams.”

Osten is still obsessed with his expected case of pneumonia.

Lillian tells Ryan that Osten knows he can’t win so he wants to quit.

At Tribal Council, Anal asks Lillian how she’d grade her tribe if they were a troop of Boy Scouts. She says, “I’d give us an A for spirit.” Whatever. Let’s just say they wouldn’t be swimming in merit badges, though would they, Lil?

Lillian refers to them as a troop. Or perhaps a troupe. I’m not sure, if she meant Boy Scouts or gay ballet dancers.

When it comes time to vote, Ryan gets five and Osten gets two. Wait a minute. We know that Lily and Ryan voted for Osten. So are you telling me that pneumonia boy wanted off, but voted for Ryan? He had to know that most of the other tribe members would vote for Ryan. Why not throw away your vote on Lillian or Ryan O. (whoever that guy is). What if Ryan had lost 4-3? I’m not so sure Osten wants off. But, it could be that he’s just dumb.

Actually, we know that.

Next week, trouble at Drake as Sandra says of annoying Jon, “Screw Jon, he’s an ass.”

I like Sandra.