There are plenty of good stories swirling around the Cubs as they head into their last two weeks of Spring Training. The pitchers are dropping like flies. Rocky Cherry might win a bullpen spot if Wood can’t start the season with the Major League team. Lou Piniella is dropping awesome quote after awesome quote. Wade Miller is starting to look like an honest-to-goodness starter again. Derrek Lee is mashing the ball like it’s 2005 (where have any Derrek Lee articles been?). And Ronnie Woo-Woo just keeps pissing people off.

 

 

So why in God’s name did Jeff Vorva take the time waste the ink it took to rate the potential “leaders” on the Cubs roster, particularly when the Cubs finally have a manager who has the balls to lead the team himself? Yes, Lou made a comment about possibly asking Aramis Ramirez to do more, but who the hell cares? Lou was clearly addressing Ramirez’s perceived lack of hustle, not fitting him for a “C” any time in the near future.

 

A better question may be, “Why am I going to waste the time doing the same thing Vorva did?”

Derrek Lee

Lee made a legitimate run at the Triple Crown in 2005. He plays rock-solid defense. He’s quick, he’s smart, and he’s become at least one of the top three most feared hitters in the NL Central. Plus, he’s tall.

And that’s really all you need. Lee could have the charming demeanor of Albert Pujols, the long temper of Roger Clemens, the clean track record of Barry Bonds, and the complete lack of speaking ability of Ozzie Guillen, but as long as his teammates have to stand up and meet him face-to-balls, it’s always going to be advantage: Lee.

Leadership Rating: 6’5″

Aramis Ramirez

People seem to think he’s fat and lazy. He didn’t start hitting last year until Lee’s balls were back in his face. He got beaned in the top of the head with a routine popup last year. He has the worst case of voice-body disconnect since Mike Tyson. And he wears ridiculous sunglasses.

But, damnit, he swings SO HARD. “Oh captain, my captain! How did you screw yourself into the ground like that?”

Leadership Rating: F4 on the Fujita Scale

Michael Barrett

He’s mentally retarded. He’s inexplicably starting ahead of the greatest thing to happen to the tools of ignorance since Jim Essian. And he wasn’t tough enough to continue playing every day with a scrotum filled with his own blood.

On the other hand, he punched A.J. Pierzynski in his smug f@#$ing face.

Leadership Rating: 30 IQ points

Alfonso Soriano

He’s new in town. He’s playing out of position. He stands at the plate like Jeff Bagwell, if Jeff Bagwell actually were taking a shit. He strikes out a lot, but he runs like a pig from a Hendry family Easter. Plus, Lou is gay for him.

Leadership Rating: 12 pesos

Carlos Zambrano

He’s hulking. He’s crazy. He nearly broke Todd Walker in two just to bathe himself in the juices inside of him. He nearly killed himself trying to stretch a stand-up triple into an inside-the-park home run. In a Spring Training game. He pitches like a wild man, and he fears nothing.

Of course, he might lead you right off a cliff. And if you don’t follow willingly, he’ll make you follow, damnit.

Leadership Rating: One ball of fire

Matt Murton

He’s young. He’s fiery. He’s one of the few guys on the team willing to take a walk. He gives fans an opportunity to dye their hair red to support him.

On the other hand, he has the pale look of Death about him, and his teammates have to be terrified of him. Oh, and his name sounds suspiciously like merkin.

Leadership Rating: Red on the spectrum

Mark Prior

He’s had great success at the Major League level, and he once made Barry Bonds look like a little girl. I’m sure he will be a great leader for all of those kids in Iowa.

Leadership Rating: 5 stalks of corn

Kerry Wood

He out muscled Roger Clemens. He should have a no-hitter under his belt already. He made the Astros look like idiots 20 times in one game. He damn near single handedly beat the Braves in the 2003 playoffs, and he has a hot wife.

On the other hand. Oh, dear God! Don’t put anything in his hands! They’ll fall off!

Leadership Rating: One Sarah Wood

Jacque Jones

He has mastered the Jacque Jones pose. He obnoxiously flips the bat when he homers. He has something against the outfield grass, as he’s constantly firing balls at it. He lets his mom fight his battles for him, and I’m pretty sure he called all Cubs fans racist.

Still, he stuck a homer up the Cardinals’ collective ass early in the 2006 season when we still had hope.

Leadership Rating: His mom could beat up your mom

Mark DeRosa

He likes fat chicks, and Julie likes him back. He turned a career year into a lucrative contract. He’s replacing the loudmouthed and, some would say, devastatingly handsome, Todd Walker.

Leadership Rating: 350 pounds

Cesar Izturis

He certainly has the name of a leader: Joe Izturis, who’s the manager at the Jiffy Lube down the street from me. I’m pretty sure he’s also able to pick up the MLB Extra Innings package with his ears, which has to be nice for the other guys in the clubhouse.

However, he blows at the game of baseball.

Leadership Rating: Two stabs in the back

Hank White

He has a head that looks like an Easter Island statue and is approximately the same size. He throws out baserunners like he has a laser sight on his arm. His fly is open? He doesn’t give a f@#$. He’s napping. He has his own Fan Club. In 2006, he came up just shy of Joe Dimaggio’s hitting streak. He’s the only player on the team will to mushroom stamp Big Z when he needs it. He impregnates women on sight, and he’s still rocking the permullet after all these years.

Folks, I think we have a winner.

Leadership Rating: Hank White > Sweet Lou