SCENE TWO: Later in the morning, Cubs PR Offices, Wrigley Field

DAVE FROM HR
Carrie. I’ve got Larry here. He’s yours now.

Dave runs down the hall.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
Hey, you’re Karen, right?

CARRIE FITCH
Don’t call me that.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
What should I call you then?

CARRIE FITCH
Don’t call me anything. Don’t look at me. Don’t talk to me. Just go away.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
Hey, I get it. You’re menstruating! That’s cool! I’ll bet your boyfriend’s just glad you dodged another bullet!

Carrie lunges towards Larry to hit him, but Mitch stops her.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I’m all for birth control myself! I mean why should you have to resort to pushing them down the stairs?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Larry. I think you should go see Zapatos now. She’s in her office.

Larry opens the door to Zapatos’ office without knocking. She is drinking from her enormous bottle of Scope and is startled. She swallows the Scope and says…

LINDA ZAPATOS
Larry! Don’t you know how to knock!?!

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
Yeah, you make a fist and bang it on the door. It’s not rocket science.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Never mind. Have a seat.

I understand things didn’t go very well for you down in shipping and receiving?

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I just felt it was time for a change.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Human resources told me that one of the guys on the loading dock put you in a box and tried to mail you to Cleveland.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
It was a joke. Besides, I’ve never been to Cleveland. Might have been fun.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Larry, if it was a joke, don’t you think they’ve have poked air holes in the box?

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I could breathe. All I had to do was press my face against the packing tape.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Larry, you’ve been here 12 years and you’ve worked in almost every department we have. Honestly, I’m concerned you don’t have the skills to be an editor, and if it doesn’t work out here, what department are they going to be able to send you to next?

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I could go back to working in the scoreboard. That was fun.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Larry, you crippled a man when you dropped a huge three on him.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
That’s not true. It was a four. And it wasn’t huge, it was one of the little yellow ones that we use for how many hits the teams have. Could have happened to anybody.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Larry, Wrigley Field is 90 years old, and that scoreboard is nearly that old, too. You’re the only one who’s ever dropped a number out of the scoreboard. So no, it couldn’t happen to anybody. Just you.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I think I’ll make a good editor. I read the paper every day. Especially Marmaduke.

LINDA ZAPATOS (Sighs)
OK, let’s introduce you to everybody and set you up at a desk.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
Great.

Linda and Larry come out of her office and she motions for the staff to gather around.

LINDA ZAPATOS
This is Larry Mundy and he’s going to be our new Associate Editor. He’ll mainly be working on Vine Line and helping with some of the media notes we put out for every home game. Larry’s been with the Cubs for a long time and has some very valuable skills.

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
Linda, can I say something to the gang?

LINDA ZAPATOS
Uh…do you have to?

INAPPROPRIATE LARRY
I know my reputation around here isn’t the greatest. I’m not sure why. I try hard every day. I love this organization and being a part of a great team with all of you. I’m going to make an effort every day to get to know you, to work well with you and to help us put out a great product. And I’d also like to know where you keep the plunger on this floor because I dumped about nine pounds of turds in the men’s room about ten minutes ago and there was no way in hell they were going to get through the 100 year old plumbing in this place.

CARRIE FITCH
He was so close to not making an ass of himself.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
I was just in the men’s room, and by the stench, he was being conservative on the weight.

BRENT DAVID
Unclean.

Unclean.