EPISODE SEVEN: Inappropriate Larry

PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRONT OFFICE: Cubs Public Relations intern Brent David took a cute young blonde home from a bar, only to find out that the home he took her to belonged to her aunt, his boss, Linda Zapatos. Zapatos returned home before Brent could leave. He hid in the bathroom closet from her and was trapped while she “cleaned up.” His undetected escape was successful, but what he saw and heard might scar him for life.

SCENE ONE: Cubs’ PR Offices, Wrigley Field, Chicago

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Hey Carrie, you seen the Intern yet this morning?

CARRIE FITCH
He’s in his little cubicle. He’s not in good shape.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Did Zapatos catch him with her niece?

CARRIE FITCH
I don’t think so. She’s in a strangely good mood today. But the Intern doesn’t seem quite right.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
I’ll go find out.

Mitch walks to Brent’s cubicle.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Intern! Where’d you sneak off to the other night? We missed you.

BRENT DAVID (staring straight ahead at his computer — which he has not turned on– muttering)
Unclean.

Unclean.

Unclean.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
You, OK, there Intern? Hello! Anybody home.

BRENT DAVID
Unclean.

Unclean.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
OK. Hey, I’ll see you around. Good talking to you. Freak.

Mitch stops by Carrie’s reception desk on his way out of the office.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
He’s in bad shape. He’s kinda like Andy from Shawshank after the Sisters got ahold of him the first time. Eww.

Before Mitch can leave, Linda Zapatos emerges from her office with an announcement.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Everyone! Everyone! I have an announcement!

CARRIE FITCH (to Mitch)
I hope her announcement has the words inoperable, brain tumor and her in it.

LINDA ZAPATOS
I just got off the phone with Mr. McDonough and he’s advised me that there’s been a bit of restructuring within the organization. We’re going to be getting a new employee up here in this office.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Maybe they fired Dusty and assigned him to us.

CARRIE FITCH
I’ll bet they found out that Wendell Kim’s still under contract and they’re going to have him wave people on and off the elevator.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
There isn’t enough workman’s comp in the world to cover us for that bloodbath.

LINDA ZAPATOS
I’m sure many of you are familiar with Larry Mundy.

CARRIE FITCH
No. No way. She can not be going to tell us that we’re stuck with Inappropriate Larry.

LINDA ZAPATOS
The Cubs have decided he can be of more use to us than he is in his current job. He’ll be coming up this morning to start working here as an Associate Editor. Intern! You’ll have to clear a spot in your cubicle for him.

BRENT DAVID
Unclean.

LINDA ZAPATOS
Great!

She closes the door to her office.

CARRIE FITCH
Holy (bleep), this cannot be happening. I can not work with that freak.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
The only reason he still has a job is that Human Resources doesn’t care fire him. He’s of some unknown ethnic and racial background, he’s got that club foot so he’s considered handicapped, I think he’s gay and he’s old. He could sue the Cubs on about 14 different levels if they fired him.

Brent David gets up from his desk and comes over to Carrie and Mitch.

BRENT DAVID
What did she just say?

CARRIE FITCH
What is with you? You get laid and you go all catatonic on us? You did get laid, right?

BRENT DAVID
Did she say I have to share my cubicle? It’s like four square feet. What’s to share?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
There isn’t a room in the world big enough to comfortably share with Inappropriate Larry.

CARRIE FITCH
You did get laid, right? I mean, she wanted you and she was barely drunk enough to stand up. Even you should be able to finish that off.

BRENT DAVID
Why do they call him Inappropriate Larry?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Basically, he just says whatever he thinks about anything. He’s like Carrie, only worse.

CARRIE FITCH
Hey!

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
He gets away with it because the Cubs are afraid to fire him.

BRENT DAVID
You mean like Billy Williams?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Something like that.

BRENT DAVID
What kind of stuff does he say?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
You know Glenda down in accounts payable?

BRENT DAVID
The one with the mustache?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
No, the fat one. The one with the mustache is George.

BRENT DAVID
That’s a guy?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
You know how some clueless people will see a fat person and assume their pregnant and say something like, “Ooh, when are you due?” Then they’ll realize the person’s not really pregnant and feel bad? Well, Larry’s sort of like that.

BRENT DAVID
Sort of?

CARRIE FITCH
He said to Glenda, “Hey, are you pregnant or just fat?”

BRENT DAVID
Oh, that’s bad.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
That’s not all though. When he found out Glenda’s boyfriend is a black guy he said, “You know Glenda if you lost some weight, you might actually be able to have sex with white guys.”

BRENT DAVID
Wow.

CARRIE FITCH
He calls Wayne Messmer, “Old Bulletneck.” To his face.

BRENT DAVID
That’s pretty funny, actually.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
He’s just clueless though. He’s not trying to be mean, he really doesn’t know any better. He thinks it’s funny, or worse, most of the stuff he says he doesn’t even know it’s rude. That’s why everybody calls him Inappropriate Larry.