All that needed to happen for the Cubs to claim their first title of any real significance since 1989 was:

a) Cy Young contender Wes Obermueller (career record 1-5) needed to beat the Houston Astros
b) The Cubs needed to sweep their first doubleheader over the Pittsburgh Pirates since 1980.

Really, how hard could any of that be?

Old lady nature had set out her plans on Friday. She made it rain, and the Cubs had to postpone Friday’s game to Saturday. Old lady nature has a sense of humor, too. Given that the Cubs had already met their limit of regular season night games, this meant the doubleheader today would have to be a traditional “play one game, take 20 minutes to rest, play the second game.” No time to clear one set of drunks out of the bleachers to let another one in. That meant 41,000 rain checks for 2004. Muahahahahahaha!

But her plan was brilliant. On Friday night, the man who can’t spell Jeremy correctly–Jeriome Robertson of the Astros–lasted one-third of an inning against the mighty Brewers. Before they even batted in the bottom of the second, the Astros were down 9-1. Is this any way to make the playoffs? Of course not.

When we woke up this morning, or this afternoon, or whenever we woke up, the Cubs had a half game lead in the NL Central. Even the most mathematically challenged among us knew that an Astros loss coupled with a doubleheader sweep of the Pirates meant party time, Chicago style.

Fox tried their best to accomodate us. They simulcast the Fox Sports Net coverage of the Cubs and Pirates first game on Fox affiliates in Chicago, Rockford and Peoria. They did live cut ins to Minute Maid Park in Houston to keep us up to date. Sure, it meant having to put up with Steve Lyons and Thom Brenneman, but we got over that.

The first bad omen was the presence of Dave Otto in the broadcast booth. I like Dave, a lot. But he’s an instant reminder to the horrors of the 2002 season. But with Steve Stone shaloming his way through Rosh Hoshonna (no way did I just spell that anywhere near correctly), it was Chip and Dave. Just like old times.

The Astros scored first and had a chance to bust the game open in the first inning. But Richard Hidalgo proved for the fourth time this week that it’s hard to swing the bat with both hands around your neck. In a scene that would repeat itself four times today, Hidalgo choked with runners on base and it was only 1-0 Houston.

Craig A. Wilson (do we still need the “A.”? He’s the only Craig Wilson left in the bigs, now.) Homered off Mark Prior and panic was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Then, the guy we mocked in our last tussle with the Brewers, SURE THING ROOKIE OF THE YEAR Scott Podsednik began his wrecking of the Astros season. He tripled in a run as Chip Caray boytoy Craig Biggio belly flopped in center. Bill Hall “singled” to Adam Everett who threw the ball into the stands and Podsednik scored making it 2-1 Houston.

The Brewers would never trail again.

The Cubs stormed back to take the lead back in the bottom of the fourth inning, and hope was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

The aforementioned Wes Obermueller was mowing the Astros down in Houston and Damian Miller was homering to make it 3-1 Cubs.

Drunken screaming was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Wes Helms homered to make it 3-1 in Houston and then Podsednik (who else) doubled with the bases loaded to make it 5-1 Brewers. It was over in Houston.

Mark Prior finally proved human and needed a visit by The Farns to get out of the seventh inning with a 4-2 lead.

It was going to be The Farns and Regular Joe the rest of the way for the Cubs.

The Wrigley Field scoreboard operator turned the Brewers-Astros score into a final and pandelirium erupted in Chicago, forcing Rob Mackowiak to stand stunned at home plate.

Farns mowed them down in the eighth.

In the ninth, Regular Joe got two quick outs and then the third eluded him on an infield chopper, just after Chip said something brilliant like “only 28 outs to go!”

With two on and two out, creepy looking Jason Kendall popped one to short right field. Mark Grudzielanek made sure the Cubs didn’t pull another Puerto Rico and gave it a squeeze (copyright 1998, Pat Hughes) for the final out. The Cubs had clinched a tie for the NL Central title and mass hysteria was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Somewhere, the cosmic tumblers were one click away from aligning perfectly for the Cubs. This never happens for the Cubs.

Disbelief was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Game two started with everyone staring at the groin of Matt Clement. He got through the first inning OK and we were all hopeful.

Then Sammy Sosa jacked one halfway to Champaign to make it 1-0 Cubs.

In the bottom of the third the Cubs strung together five straight singles, scored five times and made it 6-0.

There were 21 outs to go, and strangely, everybody knew it was over. The game would turn into two hours of “hey, hasn’t this been a great season?”

Confidence was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Clement cruised until the eighth when he coughed up two runs, and the Pirates made it 6-2. Mike Remlinger came in and ended the threat.

Moises Alou proved his wrist didn’t hurt that much, as he sent a bomb onto Waveland to make it 7-2.

Dave Veres came out of the bullpen to nail it down.

Dave Veres?

Confusion, fear and dread were the emotions of the hour.

With one out and one on, Jose Jerkoff strode to the plate. Traded in July for our newest favorite Cubs, Kenny Lofton and E-ramis Ramirez, Jose had already done us a huge favor. He’d do us one more.

He hit a solid grounder right to Ramon Martinez at short, Gruddy made the turn at second and the throw was easily in time to get Jerkoff.

Ron Santo emitted a gutteral, primal scream of ecstacy and euphoria was the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

The Anti-Cubs had proven it in a big way on this day. When given the path of least resistance to the playoffs, they took it.

Left in their wake were the Astros and Cardinals. Left to drool in their malt liquor were entire trailer parks full of White Sox fans.

The Cubs, five and a half games out of first place as recently as August 1, had gone 19-7 in September to grab the NL Central by the throat.

Dusty Baker paused for a moment and watched his new team start an impressive dogpile near the pitcher’s mound. This is Dusty’s doing.

He led the way, and a team that went 67-95 a year ago was the one who stood up when the NL Central Division requested the toughest team stand up.

Jim Hendry jumped for joy in a luxury suite. The man who believed in his team more than anybody, the man who added players when all seemed lost, had put together a champion in less than 365 days.

Sammy Sosa sprinted in from right field. It’s been a season from Hell for Sammy. Some of it self-inflicted, most of it not. As recently as Tuesday, morons were calling for him to be dropped in the lineup or benched. He hit four homers in four games and led the way on the field.

The Franchise had proven himself again. His mere presence on the mound in game one was enough to calm 41,000 exposed nerves.

In the dugout, Carlos Zambrano smiled. His clutch pitching all year long had done wonders, but it may have been his one quote that turned the season. During the emotional five-game series with the Cardinals at the beginning of the month, Carlos had angered the Evil Satanic Fowl when he said, “We have to go out there and kill the Cardinals.”

Finally, we have a Cub who gets us! Thank you, Carlos. We love you, too!

And from now, until we buckle it up in prime time on Tuesday night against Russ Ortiz and the hated Braves…ecstacy is the emotion of the hour in Chicago.

Go Cubs!