One thing you might not know about the Baseball Winter Meetings is that it’s a convention. Just like the ones that regular working stiffs get roped into going to with their bosses. You stay in a hotel that could be a Sheraton, Hyatt or Marriott (they all look the same on the inside) you have to go to boring seminars all day then watch your boss get drunk that night and hope he doesn’t end up naked, at least not in your room, if he does it in the hall, well, that’s just funny…and a bonus.
Same thing with the baseball meetings, except ESPN doesn’t normally camp out in the lobby at a Rubbermaid convention, otherwise, exactly the same.
If you go to the Baseball Winter Meetings there are seminars on things like ballpark promotions, what to do with leftover bobbleheads, what to do when Frank Catalonotto won’t stop drunk dialing your PR assistant, how to get vomited corn dog out of your mascot’s head, stuff like that.
That’s not to say that Jim Hendry is at any of these seminars. Though if they have one on, “How to sign a free agent when other teams actually want him” it’d be aces if he brought a notepad to that one.
Instead, Jim is now calmly, cooly and rationally going about rebuilding the Cubs’ franchise into proud, successful organization that…uh…well…that they’ve never been. OK, what he’s really doing is running around the lobby, sweating profusely with his shirt-tail hanging over the back of his pants screaming Julio Lugo’s name and looking for a the desert cart.
Last night, or actually, this morning, just before dawn he could be seen in the hallway outside his room wearing nothing but a four-sizes too small Jose Macias batting practice jersey and a pair of Santa Claus boxer shorts holding a fistfull of singles and berating a housekeeper that, “it’s f@#$ing ridiculous that in a $300 a night hotel, the vending machines are on “EXACT CHANGE ONLY!”
So things are pretty much normal.
One of the Philadelphia newspapers is reporting that in a brief conversation with Phillies GM Pat Gillick, the teams discussed a Bob Abreu for Mark Prior trade. It’s kind of overblown, but here’s the actual transcript of the discussion.
Jim Hendry: Mr. Gillick, my old friend! How are things going?
Pat Gillick: Wow, Jim, you look…uh…your flesh certainly is abundant! Sorry to hear about Furcal, sounds like you really botched that, huh?
Jim Hendry: Yeah, just like the way you so expertly handled that Ken Griffey Jr deal. How’s that Brett Tomko working out for Seattle these days? Anyway, I hear you’re looking to move Abreu. What would it take?
Pat Gillick: How about Mark Prior?
Jim Hendry: Laughs
Pat Gillick: How about Abreu and seven dozen Krispy Kremes for Prior? I’ve got them in the suite. Still warm.
Jim Hendry: Uh…whew, wow. Seven dozen? Really?
Pat Gillick: I just had one from my box and the glaze is still dripping, they’re so warm.
Jim Hendry: Drippy, huh? Tell you what, I won’t say no to that deal right now. But I’ll give you Geovany Soto if you let me lick your hand.
So the rumors of Jim’s activity yesterday all seem to be the same.
He wants Juan Pierre but the ultra cheap Marlins decided to save some cash by showing up a day late for the meetings, so those talks will happen today.
He chatted with the Reds about his long-time man crush, Austin kEARnS. Remember that he had one on Michael Barrett and finally ran him down two winters ago.
He’s interested in the Tampa troika of Joey Gathright (who Dusty won’t play), Aubrey Huff (who plays right field like he’s buried to the waist) and Julio Lugo (since when is Julio Lugo friggin’ Derek Jeter?).
Before the winter is over (and maybe the meetings) you can expect Corey Patterson, Todd Walker, Sergio Meat Tray, Jerome Williams and Todd Wellemeyer to be ex-Cubs.
Then, we all heard the saddest story of all.
That the Cubs have used Dusty Baker’s player-manager “clout” to have him delve into the mind of Milton Bradley.
Not that trading for Bradley is a bad idea. The A’s thought they had a deal last night for him involving dwarfish Kirk Saarloos, but the Dodgers got creeped out by the extra a and o and for now it’s just being considered.
The sad part is that while the Dodgers can prop up a dimwitted 70 year old like Manny Mota to convince Rafael Furcal to sign with them, the Cubs send their jibberish spouting manager to lunch with Bradley and Dusty throws out crap like this:
“We had a Sunday-go-to-meeting talk on a Wednesday.”
What? What does that mean?
“I wanted to get a good reading on him, and we covered every issue. I was aware of all the things that have gone on. But I equated it to Carl Everett, who has been great for the last couple years.”
Yeah, Carl’s been great. Fine, he hasn’t been arrested, but he’s been a .250 hitter for the past two years, who bitched all year about not playing enough and not batting high enough in the order. Otherwise, he was tremendous. A real man’s man.
So this what it’s come to for Dusty? The only time he’s useful is that whenever you need a guy to interview an insane baseball player, Dusty’s your guy?
Terrific. Just terrific.
I got traded for a lick? I had no idea I was worth that much!
Is the dessert cart located somewhere in the desert?
Once Hendry finds it it’s as empty as a desert.
I just made a three way deal. Bill Bavasi sent two bearclaws my way, while I sent a Mounds Bar his way, Bavasi then turned around and sent the Mounds to Pat Gillick for his mini-bar Toblerone. I agreed to pick up half the cost of the Toblerone. These bearclaws were huge! I made out like a bandit, and the joke is on them, seeing as I’m allergic to coconut. Keep your chins up gang, I’m working extra hard today. Now I gotta work on getting Kenny Williams buffet ticket before his kids steal it.
So Andy, what you’re saying is that I’m a little…hefty?
I’ll field this one Andy, well Jim…you do wear me.
I can’t find my pants. :-(
Jim:
They’re under your waist. I know you can’t see it anymore, but your pants are there.
…that somebody made a Hendry/donuts/weight joke? Yeah, they were funny the first 5000 times you used them. Turn the page.
For the Cubs to be successful next year, Jim in gonna have to stretch the Minor League talent farther than me.
Wow, my article was dead on other than Manny. Probably the best article I’ve ever written.
Folks, honesty compels me to say that #9 is like ants at a picnic.
I dunno. The Manny stuff isn’t nonsense. Manny in left would be workable. It would be a bold move. They have the money. It would free Murton to be traded — and you can get a ton for him right now.
Jay didn’t seem to say it was a “must move” just “if you’re gonna throw $13mm at someone, why not throw it at Manny?”
Jay’s had worse ideas. Like doing Around the Horn every day.
nobody’s talking about me….
I’m the answer to your 2 holes hehe
I’m talking about CF and lead off..
Jerry Crasnick is reporting that I’ve accepted a 5-year $55 million deal to the Blue Jays. Boy, those crazy Canucks sure like giving pitchers 5-year contracts.
“TJ Simers (proud NIU alum) rips the Furcal deal…”
Proud of what (and please be specific)?
Dear Sir, on behalf of dimwitted 70 year olds I resent the reference to “dimwitted 70 year olds”. We perform many worhtwhile functions. If it were not for us the jobs in the adult diaper industry would be jeopardized and countless thousands of Malaysians in the polyester pants business could lose their customary one bowl of rice and a fish head per day. I am calling for an emergency meeting following the early bird dinner at Denny’s tomorrow afternoon to discuss our boycott of Desipio Ventures, or take a nap, whichever comes sooner.
#16– Allow me.
We’re proud of giving up a 36 yard TD with :10 left in the game while using a Prevent Defense, thus denying us a second consecutive bowl game during U of I’s “Dark Age”.
That’s some special stuff, kid.
I would take Crazy Manny and his wicked awesome bat over the two wifebeaters Bradley and Lugo 8 days a week.
Bradley and Lugo are two of the biggest scumbags in the game. Were it not for their money and pseudo-celebrity status that lets them get away with hitting women, they would be in prison. I would rather suck and cheer for good guys like Lee, Prior, Barrett, Wood and Dempster, than have success and have to cheer for two guys who I would spit on if I ever met ’em.
Anyone got an “IN DUSTY WE TRUST” T? Sounds like a good thing to have for the upcoming season.
I’m also the answer to the hole that the money is burning in your pocket.
So thats, er, 3. 3 holes!
I’m Back. Hends just signed me to a 1 year deal @ 28 Nutty Bars
One-Dog!
I am the one dog now, no?
You’re the man now, Dog!
I freaking rocked it today.
You guys are so wacky. I’d love to have Jim’s body.
Jose, me llamo Uno-Doggo, no es u es uno doggo. Comprende?
is such a jagoff. Anyone read what he said about Murton and Ron Ce?
Will someone please put a pad over the ivory? I’m going to be dead by the end of April.
So am I, like, the white Mack Netwon, or what?