Even after 119 years of Cubs baseball the coolest thing any of them has ever said was Carlos Zambrano’s 2003, “Now we have to go out there and kill the Cardinals,” line. A close second was when Andre Dawson announced he was going to ease up on the Jheri Curl.
Last night, Carlos did what he’s always professed to do. He drove in as many runs as he let in. He stymied the supposedly vaunted Cardinals’ attack and he had to be escorted off the field by four guys because he wasn’t convinced something as minor as a blister on his finger was cause to pull him out of a game with two outs in the ninth.
The Cubs have had a lot of good players in 129 years, but they’ve never had a badass quite like Carlos.
When Carlos was done with the Satanic Red Fowl, the alleged “greatest fans in baseball” booed him. I suppose they’ll say it was because of last July 19 when he planted one right between Lassie Edmonds’ shoulder blades. But it wasn’t. They booed him because they were overcome, again, by that most St. Louisian of emotions. Insecurity.
These are fans who took the time during the playoffs last year to make signs asking the Cubs how the TV reception was at home. They were in the playoffs and all they could think about…was us. How sweet. Then again, I’ve been to St. Louis, and I can see why it would make somebody think about being someplace else. Anyplace else. Phuket, Thailand would be better than St. Louis.
Last night’s game had a strange vibe, even from the outset. The first thing you saw was the ludicrous tarp the Cardinals put over the infield. It has a frog holding an umbrella and says, “Rain, rain, go away.” WTF? You’re kidding me. A Major League baseball team has an infield tarp designed by a toothless six year old?
It rained from mid-afternoon on, and you know how bad the Big Urinal Cake smells when it’s dry. Well, dampen it up a little bit and fill it full of guys that look like Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel…no, actually, fill it full of wet guys who look like Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel and all that was missing was the banjo kid from Deliverance.
In the first inning alone, two of Tony LaRussa’s genius lineup moves paid off. John Mabry dropped a fly ball and Abe Nunez botched a double play. Nunez is playing, inexplicably, with a cracked rib, and Mabry is playing…with no ability.
In the second, with Michael Barrett on first, Carlos failed twice to get a bunt down, so he swung away with two strikes and hammered one to left center. Lassie ran after it like it was radioactive and let it roll all the way to the wall, while Carlos barrelled around the bases scaring small animals and children for a triple.
Corey Patterson was up next, and Chris Speier proved he’s no Wendell Kim. Corey flied to medium center field and Edmonds caught it and fired home. Had Speier sent Zambrano the throw would have beaten him by plenty, but Carlos would have created an Einar Diaz sized divot at home plate. The Cubs already had two runs though, and Carlos, frankly didn’t need any more. Better to avoid the collision, I suppose.
Jeff Suppan is pitching for the Cardinals. I almost wrote was pitching put I’m pretty sure he’s still out there, shaking Diaz off. It was like Steve Trachel had fixed his back and sneaked into Suppan’s uniform. Every pitch was followed by a 74 second break. It was like trying to watch an NCAA Tournament game on CBS.
And, of course were treated to the sight of Nomar lying in the fetal position, holding his crotch with both hands. I know that pain. I’ve ended up in that very position in bar parking lots all over Illinois. But unlike me, Nomar wasn’t dropped by a stilletto to the groin because of an awkward and perhaps unwelcome amorous maneuever. No, he slipped in the batter’s box trying to beat out a double play grounder and his groin ended up in his sock.
The Cubs are without their shortstop for an extended period of time. And let’s settle this for once and all. He’s not just a shortstop. He’s one of the greatest righthanded hitters in the history of baseball. Period. Sure he’s hitting .157, but that’s not going to last. Or wasn’t going to last. It all depends on how long Nomar’s going to be out for. If he pulled his groin, he’s out a month, minimum. If he tore it, then it depends on how badly and if he tore the bad boy off the bone, well, see you in Mesa at another discounted rate.
The Cubs’ opening day offensive roster was good enough to win a pennant. But you can’t take Todd Walker and Nomar out of that lineup for an extended period and not feel the effect.
You just hope that Nomar’s groin injury isn’t the worst case, and that Neifi can continue his inexplicable production in the meantime. Let’s just say that we won’t be betting the farm on either.
What would the Cubs do if the news on Nomar is either a) horrific, or b) uncertain, meaning they are left to wander the desert for 40 games without any real idea of when he’ll be back?
You’ve got to make this call:
The Cubs and Cardinals are back at it at noon today. We’ll have a CubsLive! GameCast both today and tomorrow when the Cubs host Pissburgh at 2:20. So you’ve got that going for you.
Which is nice.
The third world of the midwest, and that is saying something.
Guess I didn’t eat and drink enough water before last nights game.
My prediction of last night’s game(Cubs win 4-2 and Carlos pitches pretty deep into the game) damn near was right on. With the Lawnmower man, the Cubs just have to feel good every time they go out to play that they have a great chance to win(remember that feeling Kerry.)
Wasn’t it great to see Lassie Edmonds watch balls run by him. I love watching that old dog run to the fence!
Carlos made the Satanic Red Fowl not know what the hell hit them last night. I even think Dumby Dusty got woozy in the head from the smell of the Urinal Cake too. Dusty surprisingly wasn’t his stupified self.
I thought for sure we would be seeing Macias pitch hit for Mulletsworth in the 9th with bases loaded. A lefty against a lefty, Dusty must have missed that one while he was staring over into the Cardinals dugout in disbelief that the Genius wasn’t wearing his night time sunglasses.
Then Dusty letting Carlos try and go the whole way. Even Dumby Dusty didn’t want to pull that trigger and go to the bullpen. Once again, Hawkins about shit down his pants. It almost took him just 2 pitches to blow it.
It was a game we would normally lose. If you go to that bullpen one more inning earlier, we more then likely lose it. Maybe Dumby Dusty is learning something.
What is the deal with second base and especially shortstop the past two years for the Cubs? Can we not stay healthy at those positions? I’d say Nomar’s shot for at least 40 games. We’re going to see a lot of Perez and Hairston Jr. When Walker comes back, we may even see Jerry at short. We’ll see how bad Dusty wants him to play. But even without Nomar, this Cubs team is used to playing scrubs and being injury plagued.
Prediction for today’s game-Dempster gets a little wild and Karen Carpenter actually eats us up at the plate. Cubs lose 8-2.
GO CUBS!
Baker Basher
I was just happy and proud that he let Z start the ninth. Z must have been tired, if it only took FOUR men to drag him off the field.
Re: Greg Couch.
What you said were my exact same sentiments when I read on my commute.
What.
A.
Loser.
That’s what I’d be doing if I didn’t have Baker Basher’s “predictions” to look forward to.
Before I’m called one of the best right handed hitters ever, let me get more than 1300 hits and play an entire season healthy. I have not been the same since my wrist injury in 01′ and will probably never be a .300 plus hitter at this rate. Was I on my way to being the next Joe DiMaggio? Maybe. But at this point I would settle for just being Dom.
Hey, leave Baker Basher alone! Hang in there B.B., you’re doing swell buddy.
Holy crap am I wailing away on AA pitching. If Nomar never plays for the Cubs again, I still may be the saving grace of that deal:
.490/.554/.735 and 4 stolen bases.
I told you Jerry would get a chance to play
Kurt Evans with an interesting suggestion for a fill in for Nomar:
Barry Larkin
Barry Larkin? Are we going to try and set a record for most middle infielders placed on the DL?
Can I play shortstop? All I’m doing right now is picking splinters out of my ass.
Actually Placido, you’re platooning with Chase Utley because your manager is a dumbshit.
Pudding time is when I really shine!
Meet me in St. Louis.
WHO’S NEXT???????!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN DEMPSTER IS PITCHING TODAY???!!!!!
PUT ME IN THE PINCHE GAME NOW CABRON!!!! I’LL KILL THEM AGAIN!!!!!!
Uh, whoever that was, it wasn’t me. Just because I stuck up for the guy when you assclowns wanted him dead doesn’t mean I’m automatically president of his fan club.
I can’t save you now, Jim.
Uh oh, Lassie is getting upset… He and Bruce Fremming might be exchanging even more words by the time this one is over.
Even though Jim is not presiden of Baker Basher’s fan club, I’m still an assclown.
You’re a assclown and a terrible speller you ” — _—_—” !!