So this is what it’s come to? We’ve got nothing left to do but to root for a Cardinals’ plane crash and for the Sox to continue their inevitable slide towards the mean? Whoo, what a fun summer this is going to be.
On Saturday night we saw the sight that we knew was coming, but never wanted to believe. You can’t see Mark Prior and Kerry Wood go down in a heap and not expect to eventually see Carlos Zambrano follow along. Carlos took the news that there may be something seriously wrong with his arm with the kind of reaction we expect from him.
“”I’m a horse, right? They’ll have to kill me. I don’t want to miss any starts. I’ll have to have my arm explode. That will never happen.”
As much fun as it would be to see somebody’s arm explode, I’d much prefer it to be Matt Morris’.
Carlos wants to start on Saturday against the White Sox.
Sure, that seems like a good idea. Let’s say that the doctors can’t find anything wrong with Carlos’ arm. Say they confirm the vague diagnosis of tennis elbow. They say it’s just a tired arm. So let’s run him out there to face the White Sox! After all, those all-important city bragging rights are on the line. Who cares if your 23 year old stud needs some rest? Nah, let’s use him!
Look, I don’t like the idea of Sergio Meat Tray facing the Sox any more than you do, but if Sergio’s arm were to explode, would anybody care? No. It’d be funny, just like the time David Wells had to leave a game against the Cubs because he bent over to pick up a bunt and then couldn’t stand up again.
When Rocky Biddle tore his labrum against the Cubs, that was funny. Good times! Oh, how we laughed.
How about we avoid giving the Sox a chuckle on Saturday. Well, I mean, if they hit a grounder at Neifi, that might be good for a few guffaws from them.
The Cubs are 7.5 games back on May 16. Even if you consent that the Cardinals are good (which I don’t think they are), the rest of the division is horrifically bad. The Cubs are helpless and haven’t been able to take advantage of their opponents overall suckitude. After two games in Pissburgh the Cubs come home for a 10 game homestand against the overachieving White Sox, the horrific Astros and gawdawful Rockies. A good team would look at this 12 games stretch and think they ought to win nine to consider it a success. The Cubs look at it and wonder if they can win five or six. They probably can’t.
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One of the most awkwardly funny moments of the basketball season took place last week on the set at TNT. At the half of one of the Pistons-Pacers games, Ernie Johnson introduced his buddies for some halftime analysis. He introduced Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley and then wanted to make a special acknowledgement of Magic Johnson who’s been around to dumb down the coverage during the playoffs.
Here’s what Ernie said.
“We need to take a second to point out that Magic Johnson has been playing hurt. He’s not feeling well, has a virus and…”
That’s all I heard. I knew what Ernie meant. Magic has a cold and still has been showing up for work. But you could tell immediately that Ernie wished he’d called it a cold. Kenny and Charles tried to stifle awkward laughter and Magic appeared to not realize what Ernie had said.
It’s not exactly breaking news that Magic Johnson, the world’s most famous HIV patient has a virus. Oops.
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Nice of the Wizards to give the Heat such a battle. Not that the Bulls would have fared much better. But you think that a team that actually tries to play defense might have been able to beat the Heat once without Shaq. We didn’t get to find that out because the Wiz didn’t seem to try it.
A couple of years ago the Mavericks and Kings put on one of the most enjoyable playoff series of all-time. Seemingly every game was close and they all seemed to involve both teams scoring 110 points (the current Pacers-Pistons series will be lucky if they don’t have a game in which both teams COMBINE to score 110.) and it was a reminder of how much fun basketball is to watch when teams pass the ball, are actually good at making shots and run up and down the floor.
We ought to put the Mavericks-Suns series in a time capsule because that’s exactly what they’re doing. Besides, you get the added bonuses of watching Amare Stoudamire actively seek out guys to dunk on (Jerry Stackhouse literally looked he was trying to dive out of camera range on one the other night), Steve Nash’s incredibly bad hair and Avery Johnson and Devin Harris sitting on the bench comparing overbites. It’s good stuff.
It was fun last night to watch every time TNT cut to the sidelines to show their announcing team. You expected to see Mike Dunleavy hold up a sign that said “Nobody said I’d have to sit next to John Thompson.”
I’ve never understood TNT’s infatuation with Thompson. He didn’t have anything interesting to say in 20 years a college coach, they expected him to have something to say about the NBA?
Dunleavy looked like he’d rather be running a summer league practice for the Clippers.
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Speaking of announcers, it’s looking more and more like Len Kasper and Bob Brenly picked the perfect year to join the club. Just think how much less pressure there will be in a few weeks when even the diehard morans like us decide to find more productive ways to spend our summer days?
Dan Plesac filled in for Brenly on Friday night because Bob was back in Tempe attending the college graduation of his daughter, Lacey. I’m not sure why you’d name your daughter Lacey, unless you were either a big fan of the old lesbian crime fighting show Cagney and Lacey on CBS, or perhaps you just want to give your daughter a leg up on a career as a stripper? Regardless, Bob was gone and Plesac was in.
Plesac wasn’t horrible, and in fact, as the game went on you could hear him get more comfortable and he actually started to speak loud enough to be heard. All in all, he didn’t suck nearly as much as Donn Pall did when he filled in for Hawk Harrelson. Then again, if you can sound competent while working with Darrin Jackson, you deserve Joe Morgan’s sports Emmy.
On Friday, Comcast is going to start their coverage of the rare 1:20 Friday start at Wrigley at 11 a.m. They’re going to have live coverage of Cubs and Sox batting practice! Uh…wow? That’s great. We haven’t seen Benny Cadahia blow a 70 mile per hour fastball past a Cub since the 2004 Home Run Derby.
How about Lacey Chabert?
“…Wood is on the disabled list with a bizarre bruise of the rotator cuff, something few doctors have ever seen.”
Great. Now we’re creating new injuries. When Tommy John Disease isn’t enough, come play for the Cubs. We’ll F your arm up real good.
Maybe if I just stay quiet, I’ll continue to get a free pass.
Hey Rothschild,
Ride a motorcycle and drink a bunch of beer. That way you’ll get noticed.
It only took me ONE year to get canned for being totally incompetent. You’re what–in your FOURTH season? Wow. Good work, stealth.
Maybe she was conceived while watching me.
Maybe Bob’s a Caddyshack fan?
I’m back from a nice couple days in the Windy City? I come back to find out that some wise individual set up a blog page just to post my Baker Bashings at http://www.bakerbasher.blogspot.com. How nice is this? I commend this person for such effort. I encourage all to explore this impressive sight.
But anyway, last Wednesday’s game against the Mets was another torture game. Not only were the Cubs up to their 9th inning tricks again, but it was fucking freezing out there with those 15 mph winds. I even went to the souvenir stand to get me a Cubs sock hat. Only if they sold stadium pals there as well I wouldn’t have had to make a trip to the bathroom after every other inning- those Old Styles were going down slow but coming out quickly. I wasn’t disappointed seeing the trio of Macias, Hairtson Jr, and Blanco go down 1-2-3 either while warming up in the bathroom.
We were treated with Dumpster blowing it in the 9th, but got to see Mr. Team Cub DLee win it in the 10th with his bomb. What a way to finish the game though!
Our seats in section 425 were great, but we did get down behind the Mets dugout where I got in a few jabs at Sarge. I wasn’t the only one yelling at that dumb son of a bitch. Fagboy Piazza got some ear music as well.
But on Thursday night I got introduced to the treatment at U.S. Stingular Field when you wear Cubs apparel. I mean I wore one of those blue Cubs team jackets that stand out like soar thumb. Those White Sux fans were letting me have it with there blue collar comments and what looked like was coming from white trash itself. Instead of White Sox they ought to call them White Trash. Our seats there were in the outfield on the right field side. Of course, the Gladiator was on the DL, I got to heckle Steve Fat Kline in the bullpen. Steve seemed to like my jeering about the middle finger to Larussa joking though. Last but not least we did get on the jumbotrone briefly and the Sux pulled it out in the 9th to win 3-2. That really sucked.
The Cubs play the past two days is back to horrendous. They continue to play like they are in Barnum and Bailey’s Circus. Dusty is the ringmaster from hell.
The following week is vastly important. The schedule is weak besides the White Trash and they need to sweep somebody, even the Pirates in a two game series. If not, we just continue to Bash Baker and the rest of his assclowns.
FDF=Fuck Dusty Forever
Baker Basher
I don’t think anyone was conceived watching Lacy Underall as her finest moments are best experienced alone. Can you guys read this?
Can’t wait for the development of “Kerry Wood Surgery”.
Baker Basher, Perhaps you’d be best to set up a blog of your own if someone can do it that easily. Or maybe if you ask nicely, you’ll be able to post your ravings on there and not trouble us with your soliloquys.
CT:
They have that already.
Dr. Kevorkian is the pioneer.
Dumbass Du Jor? Dudes, I’m from Canada, are you surprised I won the award? I’m lucky I don’t get it every time.
put me in coach, I’m ready to play, *clap*, *clap*, today…
we play in comiskey park
We own the boys from Chicago: Redskins vs. Bears, Wiz vs. Bulls, Nats vs. Cubs. When do we get to play the Sux?
Well we did snap that non-streak of a streak yesterday. We’re Washington-area, aren’t we?
I think so.
Yeah look at all those banners hangin up in our rafters.
Yeah, us too.
Not only am I a shit city full of arrogant pricks. But my teams and their so called fans are even worse. Really, I am nice to visit for your 8th grade trip, but you don’t wanna spend long amounts of time here. I suck.
Go Caps!!!
Remember me? I won three Super Bowls. How many have the Bears won?
We may not have as many Super Bowls, but we have more championships overall.
Hell, we have more world series than the senators and the nats/expos do combined.
I don’t need to tell you about us.
Seriously, when am I going to be imploded?…If you were among the 40,000 or so Cub fans that visited me this weekend, you no doubt asked yourself that…Also, if you want concessions, and by that I mean “food” or “food equivalents,” you’re better off stealing from the bums in the Metro…if you give them $6 for their warm beer, you can replicate an experience with our vendors…
Near the main entrance is RFK’s only redeeming quality. That place is awful, and the idiots around Washington talk about it like its a shrine, not an open air Olympic Stadium, which it is. I have been to both many times, and I would much rather go back to Olympic Stadium any day. Even if the place has the same feel, as the Knoxville World’s Fair does on that episode of the Simpsons.
The Caps have never even won a title, even we have done that.
We dominate all!…in um, soccer…grrrr!!!, sigh.
I am no longer a giant, 1950’s code breaker style computer. I am a streamlined, flat screen HDTV. Am I still on every sunday in Chicago?
I’m gone in three years.
Why can’t DC United play at the Redskins’ new stadium? That boondoggle only hosts 10 football games per year.
We haven’t won squat in 80 years. Is that good?
We may be arrogant, but we’re well paid. Our metropolitan per capita income is higher. We haven’t had a team in 34 years, and we STILL have as many WS titles as the Cubs. We got rid of our crack addict mayor, and now we have a wonk (which is better than a Sux-loving moron ike Richie Daley). Plus Steve Bartman doesn’t live HERE.Wheee!!!
Nothing beats Detroit, we’re tough here, man
Honesty compels me to say, cub fans, that the best city in old U. S. of A. is none
other than Hotlanta. Second place would go to Houston, Texas, home of The Beege, folks.
It’s 97 years, genius.
Man, we are bad.
We are no longer funny. Nor are the Beeg references. Nor are the “honesty compels me…” intro’s, nor are the Hotlanta shoutouts. We are tired. We are useless. We are yesterday’s news. We should be put out to pasture with the Howard Dean jokes. Both of us are so 2004.
Baltimore sucks, but they haven’t tired of my act yet.
Bears open at Washington, we’ll see if the Redskins are as tough as they think they are
Yeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you all miss us…when can we come back, Andy? We may be the only thing left to keep you all visiting after Memorial Day…
If you’re talking visibility, there’ no better option than Arizona.
If you’re pressing me, folks, after Hotlanta and Houston, the third best city in the land has to be Orlando, Florida, home of my imaginary family.
Arbys!
You are right I am higher here, because everyone here is from somewhere else. The DC area is a very transient area. All of us new people came in, paid a ton for our houses, which made the people who lived here before wealthy. Those people, then moved farther out and built nice houses, which are now selling for twice what they paid to have them built. Yes our real estate market is through the roof, and there are tons of good white collar jobs here…but I would still trade it all for a Johnnies beef, maybe even a pepper and egg.
They don’t use us in Virginia.
I wear nifty bow ties, and could be partially retarded…and I am still better than that socialist, dirty, sox loving sleazeball Daley.
I’m having a lot of trouble with this “salary cap” stuff and this “free agent” nonsense I didn´t have to deal with 20 years ago.
We are extremely humorous and should be used wherever possible, whenever possible.
That other guy was Chippy himself. Don’t listen.
Don’t worry Joe, we are your high priced trucks that sell like hotcakes in VA.
Trust me, folks. Washington sucks.
Has anybody here…seen my old friend Beege?
I know Dolan seemed to like the job Dan Plesac did on friday. However, was it just me or did he seem to NEVER shut up! When Ramirez hit his homer, this guy was rambling on about some pitching crap while the ball traveled out of the park. A home run call would have been nice there instead. I finally switched to the radio. I hope he doesnt do any more games this year. Its bad enough to have to listen to him on the post game report.
Folks, Joe Theismann here, and take it from me, one of the NFL’s all-time greats (and pay no attention to those who say I was overrated in the NFL, but I may be a CFL all-time great): Washington fans are great, RFK Stadium is a shrine, Jim McMahon’s a doofus, I love to punt the ball one yard, and my greatest highlight from the 1985 season wasn’t that magnificent punt at Soldier Field in front of the world’s worst fans. It was this hit by a coked-up Lawrence Taylor on the RFK Stadium turf:
Hey, who’s saying I’m a socialist, sox-loving sleazeball? I root for the Cubs. Who says I don’t root for the Cubs? I’m da mayr uv dis town, i root for da teams here.
See, that’s photographic proof I’m not a socialist, sox-loving sleazeball. I’m a socialist Cubs-loving sleazeball who’s gonna get indicted soon by our Mets-loving US District Attorney.
I must keel Carlos Zambrano, if he insists on using me this weekend.
can you hear me crack, snap & pop?
I was just on PTI and I said Z’s mri came out negative, and that he will pitch against the Sox.
Oh? So it wasn’t a good idea to just tear open my elbow and grab all the goop in it? Shit!
whta will happen to garland when he comes to bat this weekend?
to a White Sox fan means 2 Mexicans call over 2 of their friends to continue beating on the fat, piece of white trash who kicked their kid. I love baseball.
I’ll strike out, but look real tough doing it.
I love e-mail.
Just a question: this is what our crystal ball shows. Robin Ventura plays the White Sox player and Nolan Ryan the stud right-handed pitcher in this scenario.
Tomorrow, May 17 is Kids Night at the Ballpark. The first 10,000 kids will receive a free gift.
I love it when you analyze.
And tonight we are interactve! So a big thanks to all you e-mailers. E-mailers…yes!
And as we select our picks to click, you at home select yours.
Hawk: Lou Frazier
DJ: Lyle Mouton
Jim Angio: Jose Valentin
Crew: Pablo Ozuna
YES!
Honesty compels me to say that the division leader braves will play tonight in beautiful and sunny san diego, california.
Folks, it’s going to be a tremendous ball game.
but this Sox team might be destined to win. They have gotten more cheap hits, production from shit players, bounces and calls to go their way than any team I have seen in a while. Iguchi literally just stuck his bat out and hit an opposite field homer…unfuckingbelievable. I know the AL pitching is depleted as usual, and Hermanson etc. are pitching better than they ever have before, but seriously. Maybe they are the 01′ Cubs, maybe they are not, but I can’t take much more of this shit.
I despise the Sox, but one guy they have I wish was on my team is Iguchi. There were some (including moi) that noticed his posting this offseason from Japan and hoped the Cubs would consider him instead of going back to Walker. I don’t dislike Walker, but Iguchi had better upside for cheaper dollars, and he is playing just as expected based on his Japan numbers. Good for him.
Now, as a realist, I can point out that Sox fans need to prepare for the inevitable: Dustin Hermanson, are you kidding me? Put an asterisk after Dustin!, like Neifi!, and you have an idea how long that charade will last. Just ask the folks in Frisco. As for Garland and Buerhle, come on….that can’t last. And El Duque is always inches away from the DL.
Twins will eventually catch the Trailer Sox, no doubt about it.
I’m starting to get worried, after all, if there’s one thing Cub fans know, it’s how to pick a loser.
And if Baker Basher getting his feelings hurt at Comiskey is your proof that Sox fans are white trash…well, judging by how this site feels about him, I’d say there’s at least one more thing that Cubs and Sox fans can agree on.
Did your “soar thumb” get better? And, trust me, no one at Comiskey put you on a “jumbotrone”. “There” too busy to zero in on Cubs idiots in the right field stands. The cameras that are on fans are located by the dugouts, so take your fantasies back to your blog.
Dude, where’s Karry Ling? Where’s the Front Office. Have I missed the latest because I’m a moran?
Still not funny. Trying to convince people otherwise makes them unfunnier.
Should anyone from me be complaining of white trash?
You are right, we do know how to pick a loser. It gets old hearing Sox fans talk like they win the World Series every year. You’re in the same boat as us, it’s time to come to that realization. You guys have obviously picked right this year, judging by attendance. I mean, yes a tuesday day game might not sell out, but a weekend series against the O’s, and tons of empties… come on.
The only way Jon Garland will bat this weekend is if that idiot Guillen sends him up to pinch-hit. He is not scheduled to pitch in the Cubs/Sux series, so it would take two rainouts over the next two nights for him to be pushed back.
Has anybody here…seen my old friend Beege?
I record big save last night, you guys want me?
We rely on a major fascination with a departed hack broadcaster. We’d be funny if we were relevant and didn’t belie a major man-crush on bushy eyebrows and a DJ voice.
The Chip jokes must mask a deep-seated manifestation of mad-on Chip love. Try switching from the unfunny Chip jokes to Chip mash notes. Clearly, it’s where the hard-on is pointing.
Honesty compels me to agree with you my friend. Sometimes the folks’ love for me gets a little out of hand, oh here comes my lovely imaginary wife Susan, and my daughter Summerland as well. Things in Orlando are just great, thanks for caring gang.
Too early to enquire about the visibility, Chippy?
When do we take our rightful place along side such time-honored knee slappers as “First Post!” and “Baba Booey!” Those never tire, much like the fressssh Chip Caray Jokes.
Thanks to the constant efforts of weak attempts at us, many are likely pausing their reading to reach for something to daub their watering eyes due to the uncontrollable guffaws generated by us.
Find some new board to troll with your hackneyed comedy stylings. Take your Chip love over to Braves Nation.
I can feel the love, it is almost as strong as my love for the Beege!
We’re always funny because being gay is so darned funny. Hee-hee, Chip Caray and Craig Biggio like to have butt sex! Hee hee! That is _SO_ funny. When gay is introduced to Chip Jokes, the hilarity goes through the roof! Now how about some Jew jokes? And maybe a few nigger jokes?
Chip jokes are old and crippled like Admiral Stockton. Remember him? He was so old and stupid and clueless. That was funny. In 1992.
Stop sullying my memory by bringing up that cunt stain of a grandson of mine, OK??
I sense some anger buddy, would your hook-nosed beanie wearing heeb ass like a nice massage?
God dammit! Leave me out of this.
Make the Harry Caray statue cry.
And that makes tons of people show up with their cellphone cameras to take pictures of it and place Bud cans at his feet.
And then the media shows up.
And then the statue gets police tape and construction cones put up around it.
And then Joe Buck defaces it with “Big Drunk” spray painted on the base.
Ummm, who am I? Why am I here?
My name’s Stockdale, by the way.
Don’t you fuckers even think about it.
Play this site, really appreciate it.
Nice website