Our new hero is of course, Neifi Perez. He’s hitting well over .300 since the Cubs plucked him off the scrap heap back in August. He wears his socks up around his knees like a Miami retiree on his way to a shuffleboard tournament. He’s even got one of those weird “Hey, I’m growing a beard” beards that never actually fills in. What’s not to like?

Well, his career .301 on base average for one. Two would be his astonishing 48 career stolen bases in EIGHTY-EIGHT attempts. And three, he’s apparently the new Cubs’ pitching coach.

What, you say? But the Cubs already have two of those. They have the guy they call the pitching coach, Larry Rothschild and they have bench coach Dick Pole who was a career pitching coach before Dusty hired him to be the guy who prints nicely on the lineup card. So how can Neifi be the pitching coach, too?

Lost amid the gallows humor surrounding Nomar’s two handed groin grab was the fact that it was Neifi Perez who signalled to the dugout that Carlos Zambrano needed to leave the game in the ninth inning. Don’t believe me?

Carrie Muskat wrote this for Cubs.com on Wednesday night.

Zambrano exited after giving up a two-out double to Scott Rolen in the ninth. Perez had signaled to the bench about the blister.

“I made eye contact with the manager and said he can’t go anymore,” Perez said.

“That was the right decision,” Zambrano said about being pulled. “It was a game where I was worried about my finger. When you worry about anything else, and you have to close the game, that was the right decision.

First off, it’s kind of creepy that Neifi and Dusty can make loving and accurate eye contact from shortstop to the third base dugout, but secondly, Neifi had to be the one to notice this? I saw Carlos curling his index finger between pitches during the ninth inning and I was like 300 miles away. I thought his arm cramps were back.

I will say this, though. Carlos seems to actually listen to Neifi. Dating back to Neifi’s arrival last year, when he’s at second or short and he goes to see Carlos on the mound, Carlos doesn’t do the same “I’ll just nod really fast and not listen to what you say to me” thing that he does with Michael Barrett, or Larry or Dusty. Maybe it’s because Neifi’s speaking Spanish, or maybe it’s because Carlos just assumes that Michael, Larry and Dusty are all full of crap. Who knows?

I’ll also admit that while Neifi’s batting average is going to take a tumble the more he plays, he’s a better shortstop than any of the pre-Nomar guys the Cubs had last year. Alex Gonzalez was a train wreck right up to the moment he broke his friggin’ arm on a pitch and didn’t get to go to first base. Ramon Martinez has all of the range of a stop sign. Rey Ordonez could only do one thing in his career and by the time the Cubs got him, he couldn’t even do that. Damian Jackson? I think I’m going to pass out.

So while the Cubs may be screwed without Nomar, they aren’t as screwed as they were last year at shortstop.

I’ll stop now before I have to explain how they’re so much worse off in left field than they were last year, though.

But that brings us to the question of the moment. What is Jim Hendry going to do now?

The most optimistic prognosis for Nomar is that he decides to have the groin reattachment surgery (read that twice and try not to laugh at it), and his groin is healed in six weeks. But it’s six weeks where he can’t do a damn thing, so not only is his groin weakened, but so are all of his core muscles, so it’s two to three more weeks of just working out to get into shape. Then, he can get back to playing baseball. That’s eight to nine weeks and that’s as good as it could possibly be. That doesn’t even include his inevitable Iowa rehab stint.

You most likely can’t go out and get a shortstop now. At least not a good one. Good teams like the Twins didn’t even have one when the season started. The White Sox are playing Juan Uribe there for chrissakes. It’s like the Cubs using Todd Walker there.

But you do need to address your lineup. You can live with Jerry Hairston at second and Neifi at short for eight to ten weeks. You really can. Plus, Todd Walker will be back eventually, so that will help the offense.

But you cannot get by with Todd Hollandsworth and Neifi and Jerry and the punchless catching duo for eight to ten weeks.

Here’s what you have to do. Though, Dusty won’t do this. You have to put Hollandsworth back on the bench. It’s where he’s most useful. He’s a very good pinch hitter. He’s the living definition of a fourth outfielder. That’s how you maximize his abilities. He can’t even pick up slowing rolling baseballs in left right now he’s so scattered. He almost bobbled in another run yesterday.

You put Jason Dubois in left field and you start looking for an upgrade in left. If Jason proves he can hit with power and get on base while playing regularly, well, that alone could solve your problem. If he proves he’s not ready, then you’ve got to pull the trigger on a deal. But having him sit on the bench and collect dust will not help you or him.

Dusty can cry and moan all he wants about lefty-righty balance in the batting order. But if you’re playing a guy just because he bats lefthanded, and that guy’s not hitting… well it doesn’t really matter, does it?

There’s also no reason have Ronny Cedeno on the big club for more than a few days. You’re going to have to go out and find ways to find two bench players better suited to the task than Cedeno and Fontenot. Because Dusty’s not going to use them, and they’re not going to get anything out of sitting on the bench.

You don’t think that the Cubs need to pick up some useful, though likely less than titillating bench filler? Right now, if E-ramis gets hurt, Jose Macias is playing third base every day for you. Every day. How’s that grab you?