The Cubs’ pitchers and catchers report to lovely Mesa, Arizona today, which is supposed to signal to those of us who don’t live in America’s catbox that winter’s over, spring is here and it’s time to get excited about another exciting season of Chicago Cubs baseball.
The Cubs this year project to be exciting. Absolutely. In much the same way it’s exciting to see how many paint chips you can eat before you throw up.
Cubs fever! Catch it! And die of lead poisoning!
But they’re back and that’s a good thing. It’s always more fun to bitch about what the Cubs are actually doing than it is to sit around all winter and bitch about what they are going to do.
Over at Cubs.com, the lovely and talented (hey zero out of two ain’t bad) Carrie Muskat opened up her mailbag, and weeded through all of the jailhouse proposals to answer real questions, from real readers.
One of them, apparently was our very own Brent E. who called her on her ludicrous statement that Neifi Perez “saved” the Cubs season. Neifi saved them for about three weeks, then, he reverted to form and sucked it up. Carrie is right to point out that Neifi batted .280 hitting in the second spot in the order. That’s tremendous. Great job, Neifi! Posting that whopping .300 on base average in that spot was grand, too.
In roughly the same number of at bats, Todd Walker hit .299 with an on base average of .351 batting second. So did Todd save the Cubs’ season, too? Gee, how many guys saved a team that won 79 games?
But this question was my favorite. I believe it was written in English, but I’m not sure.
When I look at the depth chart, it lists Glendon Rusch and Jerome Williams as the Nos. 4 and 5 starters. I hear a lot about the pitchers in the farm system and I’d be more comfortable if Rich Hill or Guzman were starting. Are the Cubs giving Hill and Guzman a chance to compete for those spots or just handing them to Rusch and Williams?
— Evans A., St. Louis, Mo.
First off, this was written by a guy who apparently has the first name of Evans. Secondly, did you ever think you’d read the words “I’d be more comfortable if Rich Hill or Guzman were starting?” Really?
You know what Evans, I hear a lot about the pitchers in the farm system, too. What I hear usually ends with “will have season-ending Tommy John surgery.”
You know what would make me more comfortable? (I mean other than slippers, a leather recliner and a Jessica Alba lap dance.) Angel Guzman pitching a big league inning–just one–before we hand him a spot in the rotation. I’d also feel more comfortable if the braintrust of Rothschild, Hill and Barrett would stop with the innings when Hill throws 20 of his movement-free 82 MPH fastballs compared to three of his knee buckling curve balls.
But that’s just me.
All in all, good stuff again from the Cubs.com Mailhag. I mean bag.
I’d like to warn you all that this is going to be the most repeated mantra from Cubs’ camp this year.
“St. Louis has been 10 to 12 games ahead of us by the middle to the end of May the last couple of years,” Hendry said Tuesday. “That’s something we have talked about all winter, trying to get out of the gate better and not let the gap get big early. We have to focus on trying to play better early, understand the severity of the wins and losses in the first one-third of the season.
Wait, you mean the Cubs are going to try to win games in April this year? What a novel idea! Shhhh! Don’t let this idea get out where your opponents can hear it. This kind of thing might catch on!
I like how Hendry says, “…and not let the gap get big early.” I like how on February 15 he’s already reserved to being behind somebody. He just doesn’t want to be behind by as much. Now that is confidence, people!
I also enjoyed this jibberish:
“We also have to figure a way to change our situation at home. We haven’t been a very good home team the last couple of years, while we have been an outstanding road club. That becomes a frustrating thing because we were over .500 against the Cardinals and Astros last year and deficient against some clubs in our division who were lower in the standings.”
Did he say “we have been an outstanding road club?” Is that what he said?
Last year, the Cubs were 41-40 on the road. That tied them for the third best road record in the National League with…wanna guess?
The Diamondbacks. Ooh, the 77 win D’backs!
The Cardinals were 51-30 on the road. The White Sox were 52-29 over in that other league. Those are “outstanding” road records.
Hendry’s point is valid though. If you play .500 on the road, you ought to be in good shape for a playoff spot. The 2004 Cubs were 44-36 on the road, that’s closer to outstanding. Closer. Not there.
So why are the Cubs so lousy at home lately?
It seems a mystery to Jim.
Could it be that our beloved GM has constructed a team that doesn’t fit well in his ballpark?
Ding, ding, ding!
You build a team with no speed and struggle to score runs on days when the wind isn’t howling out at 20 MPH, then you also build a team with no bullpen so that on days when the wind is howling out at 20 MPH and you are scoring runs, your pitching can’t hold the other team. Gee, why would you struggle at home?
With Michael and Hank out Worldballin, who will I be?
Hope you have plenty of me for the upcoming season, Cub fans
#1, I’d guess Geovany Soto. Good times.
Don’t forget me, #s 1 & 3!!! Afterall, I’m also on the 40-man roster!
The thought of sitting in a recliner while getting a lap dance from Jessica Alba has temporarily made me incapable of working.
It took Alba to get you inactive? I’da guessed Iowa in first place in the Big 11 woulda done that.
When I was alive, Patrick Ewing often used me as a condom. Poor Mrs. Ewing couldn’t take the beating. But the jock groupies and the skanks at the tit club? They fuckin’ loved me…and Pat.
Bah, that roster would never be us! You think we’d let two spades get into our starting rotation? Never!
You know Chuck, I’m not a big fan of Alford’s but he has taken more than his share of a beating the past couple of years. I was a season ticket holder for Iowa hoops till the season after they won the Big Ten tourney and the athletic department demanded $500 per seat donation in order to keep them. I told them to shove it in their ass, as did hundreds of others each year since. You could’ve walked up to the window and bought a ticket for last night’s game against the Izzone as late as yesterday afternoon. That said, they have a pretty impressive list of wins this year (Kentucky, NC State, Illinois, Indiana twice, Ohio St. Michigan, and Michigan St.).
I would feel the most comfortable if Jim Hendry would jump my old bones. If Hitler was still alive, I would be working for his website.
GO CUBBIES
Speaking of me, I’m on the cover of the new Playboy.
Whops, mispelled my name there.
Great to read nerdy sexual fantasies concerning Jessica Alba. Here’s a hint – if you know who’s on the cover of Playboy and you’re over 14 years old, you need to find a woman who will have actual sex with you – and by that I mean she needs to be in the same room with you, not in your head battling your favorite scenes from Battle Star Galactica for your attention while you pleasure yourself.
If you’d ever come up out of your basement and/or get your head out of your ass, maybe you’d notice a Playboy magazine at newsstand or convenience store since they’re kinda hard to miss. Then again, you may be some misanthrope fag who walks around with his iPod on and not paying attention to anything in the real world. Douche.
I jerk off too. Sometimes when I’m at the liquor store buying beer and wine I see Playboy on the rack. If I recognize the woman on the rack I make a note of it and wonder if there’s pictures of her nekkid inside. I don’t think this makes me abnormal or immature.
I think the only valid reason not to care who’s on or in playboy is homosexuality. I think even women should look at it and get turned on and masturbate. Gotta go, bye.
“In the end of the day, both of these guys got what they were looking for. They both made the Hall of Fame. Harry is loved in Chicago and world-wide and Milo is loved in Houston.”
That’s the high road?
“I think the only valid reason not to care who’s on or in playboy is homosexuality”
“I think even women should look at it and get turned on and masturbate”
Uh, but if women are looking at it, aren’t they likely to be homosexuals, and thus they shouldn’t be paying attention?
I’m back guys! It’s the first day of Spring training and I’m already claiming the Cubs are LYING!!! I just told the Score listeners on the 4:00 update that the Cubs are hoping Wood will be ready by mid-April, but I interjected that it will be late May or early June.
If you’re having regular sex with a hot chick than one or both of you don’t know how to fuck. You should be having incredible sex with her. If you need some pointers on how to do this, don’t look at porn because that’s all fake. Ask Tarzan Wallis or Paul how to make the bitches howl! They’re the real experts. Take heed, 15! There’s hope for you and your hot minx yet!
Shut up, you! I’m trying to have a nerdy sexual fantasy. Don’t ruin it by interjecting with fact or logic. Now, where was I… Oh, yeah… She slides one hand down her panties and the other down mine as I lick my finger and turn the page… Her breathing intesifies… “Are you wearing my underwear?” she asks.
I forget. Do the comments veer off into sexual tangents during the regular season?
Only when Z is pitching and Hank is catching
I must admit, there are also interviews with us in the Alba Playboy.
I’m funny, bitch. Also, how can you bash anything involving NPH?? Blow me.
See you later, Iowa bitches.
I have been compared to a young Hank White.
Fear me, bitches.
That steaming pile that Rogers left on his editor’s desk is so unintentionally hilarious.
It’s as if the thought of Sosa playing in the WBC came to Phil as an epiphany. He was then so excited to print it that he started writing the piece before he could think it through. Then, while writing, he came to the realization that Sosa would be hard pressed to see the field but, instead of scrapping the entire idea, he FORGED AHEAD ANYWAY. He mentions that Sosa would be way down on the depth chart, but somehow still tries to convince his impressionable and marginally retarded faithful readers that it is still a good idea. Gotta love the determination inherent in his bullheaded attempt to cram his square peg of an opinion into the round hole of reality.
What a maroon.
Way to go, boys. Took exactly one comment to get to the homo stuff. Gee, I guess I was wrong. You really are mature. I’ll let you studs get back to your sausage polishing now. Be sure to lock the door though. You never know when mom might get back and bust in on you.
“Dusty Baker is preaching that his team will have a “quiet confidence†this year. So quiet that even they won’t know they have it. Hey, whatever it takes to go 80-82.”
You slander the proud Dusty Baker! He was truly stung last year when for the first time one of his teams didn’t have a winning season.
Your 80-28 prediction is waaay off. You watch. This guy will bust his ass to see this team go 82-80.
Oops. Obviously that should read “80-82” in the final paragraph, not “80-28.”
Guess I’ve been spoiled by edit features.
It’s sad to see this once-proud site continue to freefall toward rock bottom at a Sosa-esque pace.
Go away.
Take Mack with you
I’m the Bears’ answer to Mack Newton.
I love it when Paul explains his machismo, that never gets old. You 15 year old computer nerds are so cool!!
I only have 3 words to say….”more Matt Turvey”…..On Hoops is looking solid.
Things to make sure of before Spring Training begins:
Two-year contract: check.
Paunch and man-boobs: check.
Looking good.
I never sausage a weak attempt at trolling,nice try you blowhard.Guess I’ll put another banger in mah mouth before this turns into something sexual.
Gay jokes and puns. Nerdalicious, gents!
Can i come back bitches?
Who’s the one on here at 8:28 p.m., you troll.
“Who’s the one on here at 8:28 p.m., you troll.”
Past your bedtime? Or should I be watching a rerun of some nerdtastic show like Buffy or Dark Angel?
By the way, is Kerry Wood at real spring training or are they holding a simulated spring training for him?
You probably don’t have a TV in your parents’ basement.
And it’s not past my bedtime, but those of us who actually work for a living do have to get up fairly ealry. Of course, by the time you towel off after a long night of Internet-whacking, the sun may be coming up.
Apparently I am taking advice from Latroy Hawkins on how to deal with the Cubs’ media. This should be good, mes amies.
“We’re going to change our fitness program a little bit as far as working out after [practice] rather than before,” Baker said. “For many years, most of my teams have done most of their work before. So we’re just going to try something different and see if that works.
Wha? Fitness Program? I thought I was exempt from that.
“…those of us who actually work for a living do have to get up fairly ealry.”
I gotcha. Those Dunkin’ Doughnuts don’t make themselves, huh?
Dead?
I sure hope not.
Yeah, Hoops! You rule! I only use the pythagorean theoram, vorp, win shares and obp. Look how awesome I am. I know sports! I have a great system that tells me who is the best. Dunn and Soriano are gods! Win shares, vorp…how awesome! I love baseball. Go Cubbies! Wheee!!! I BLEED CUBBIE BLUE!, yet, I still don’t understand why normal people hate Cubs fans and saber weenies? YES!!!!!!!!!!
Once again, we’re a joke.
Whoever is doing the Hoopscubs jokes should be me.
I’m sorry #53, but that is not on my radar.
Pissing idiot desipiots off is me.
Omigod, Scott Eyre is a fat lazy jerk
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20060218&content_id=1315220&vkey=spt2006news&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc
“Scott Eyre does not run with the other pitchers. He simply doesn’t run.”
Good points there NSBB – let’s sign a free agent to a team that has had injury problems, and then make him do an activity that will cause him to go on the DL. Oh yeah, he’s 6’1″ 200lbs, what are you, 7’3″ a buck fifty?
And Doltan, I don’t want to ruin your uncomfortable man-crush on Hank White, but Blanco had more passed balls per inning than Barrett last year. Oh yeah, in Blanco’s 2nd year as Maddux’s personal catcher in Atlanta, Greg’s ERA jumped 1.34 runs/game. Enjoy that 5.01 ERA this year, Mark Prior, and kiss goodbye that .750 winning percentage the Cubs had in games that Barrett caught you last year.
Woops.
Slovakia? You’ve got to be shitting me…
You tied us, too! And just lost to Sweden, even with two, long 5 on 3 power plays.
I’m the best you could do? I a slightly worse Steve Sullivan. My decision making is downright awful. Did you see me fuck up every power play opportunity I had? Nothing like having to change lines because mine can’t even set it up in their zone. How many bad passes did I make again today? How many led to breakaways? Two. I suck.
I have missed more chances than anyone. I have no points. I swing and miss more than Sammy.
Wheee! Being 1-2-1 going into a matchup with Russia is fun!
I didn’t even play today.
After all these years, I’m still funny.
Yes, I am 7’3″ and 150 lbs. I was also mocking the typical NSBB response to that item in the Cubs.com article. BTw, who is Doltan?
Mattingly, shave those sideburns!
Has Griffey been getting into the brain and nerve tonic again?
#56….man, when a guy is so fat that he can get shin splints running in grass that is pathetic. Ride that bike fat ass.
Chris Singleton told a story on the Score the other day about how when I was a White Sock, I’d practice standing in the outfield for a few weeks before spring training started to get my body used to doing it. I wish I was making this up.