Desipio has obtained an actual transcript of a locker room meeting held on August 1. The day the Indians fell 15 games out of first place.
ERIC WEDGE
(addressing the group)
I’m not much for inspirational
addresses. I just wanta point out
that every newspaper in the country
has picked us to finish last. The
local press thinks we’d save everybody
a lot of time and trouble if we just
went out and shot ourselves. Me, I
like to waste sportswriters’ time so
I’m for hangin’ around and seein’ if
we can give all these guys a nice
big shitburger to eat.
I got somethin’ I think you oughta
know about. I wouldn’t have known
about it myself if Mark Shapiro
hadn’t told me, although I shoulda
guessed it from everything that’s
happened. It seems that Mr. Dolan
doesn’t think too highly of our worth.
He put this team together because
he thought we’d be bad enough to
finish dead last, knockin’ attendance
down to the point where she could
move the team to Las Vegas.
(pause)
And get rid of all of us for better
personnel.
Casey Blake, CC Sabathia, Grady Sizemore, Aaron Boone, Travis Hafner, and the others can hardly believe what they’re hearing.
BOONE
Even me?
WEDGE
Even you, Boone.
Silence descends on the room.
SIZEMORE
In other words, Dolan thinks we’re
all dinks. That we don’t belong in
the big leagues.
WEDGE
That’s about it.
SABATHIA
What if we don’t finish last?
WEDGE
He’ll replace you with somebody who
will. After this season, you’ll all
be sent back to the minors or given
your outright release.
(pause)
So, all we’re gonna get is this one
year.
Blake surveys the bowed heads around the room. He stands to
address the group.
BLAKE
I don’t know about the rest of you,
but I’ve been playin’ baseball since
I was five years old. I’ve had some
good years and some years to forget.
I’ve burned out my knees… I don’t
think I have three fingers that work
right… I’ve lost most of the money
I made and baseball has messed up my
personal life from time to time. But
I know one thing… I can still play
this game a little. And I’d like to
know who in this room thinks they’re
the kinda bum Mr. Dolan is lookin’
for?
Eyes dart around the room, then come back to Blake. No hands
are raised…
BLAKE
Well, then, I guess there’s only one
thing to do.
BOONE
What’s that?
BLAKE
Win the whole fuckin’ thing.
WEDGE is
hanging a full size blowup of Larry Dolan on the locker
room wall. In the picture he’s pointing as if out at the
players, and a bubble above his head says, “YOU GUYS STINK!”
A set of designer clothes, of the type Larry wears when in drag, have
been superimposed on the picture. The clothes are divided
into 42 pull-off squares.
BROWN
I figure it’s gonna take 42 more
victories to win this thing. Every
time we win, we peel a square.
Now let’s go get ’em!
BOB HOWRY
Aren’t we gonna have a prayer? I
mean we’re not all savages like
Pronk Hafner.
WEDGE
You guys go ahead. I belong to the
church of three-run homers.
Two thirds of male teenagers from the 1980’s wish they were teenagers today.
Mr. Dolan? We’d like to have a owrd with you…
It’s a parody. Right? We’ll be fine. (sees the Judge)
Oh, no. We got Ping!
We won a game today. If we win tomorrow, that’s two in a row. If we win the next one, that’s called a winning streak. It has happened before.
You may run like Mays, but you hit like Podsednik.
You lot are despicable! Cheer for the Chicago team that has a shot to make the playoffs. Yeah, it sucks the Cubs are out of it, but it’s time to keep our fingers crossed for the hated crosstown rival. I’d rather the White Sux win a title than have to watch Boston or New York or -gag- St. Louis hoist the trophy.
The dream scenario of the Sox plane crashing into Busch stadium while the Astros and Cardinals are playing isn’t going to happen unless they are on BlueJet. It’s time to cut the chatter and hold our noses and cheer the White Sox. They have to be the default team. Cheering for the Indians is a shame. They are in Cleveland. CLEEEEVE-LANNNND, people. Their stench is overpowering.
As always, I remainâ€â€faithfullyâ€â€your favorite flame recipient.
(Donning asbestos suit….. NOW!)
Rubber Stamper,
Root for whoever you want. That’s what we’re doing.
I agree Rubber Stamper. It’s time for these boys to cinch it up and strap it down. Mercy! Cleveland has stunk ever since I done took a crap in that burning river of theirs.
Me gone!
There is no lead big enough for us to not fuck up.
White Sox baseball, Die or lose trying.
Remember how mad I got that Andy said the Cubs were done in July and how everybody here was stupid and just plain wrong to agree with him?
Oh, how I’ve enjoyed the last two months of exciting, important, pennant charging Cubs baseball. Proved you all wrong!
Did you like my hero swings?