Fuck Zorp You Stathead Turds

[JD]

Yeah, but how did you KNOW it was a triple?  What?  I couldn't hear you.  Yeah. That's right.  Math. 

Who needs math to know a guy ran all the way to left base?

But without math, then how would you know how many bases he passed to get there.  Plus one.  Because that's where he is and he gets credit for that one, too.  That's pre-algebraic equation stuff that I'm not sure you're ready for since you seem to be a beginner math person.  I'd like to spend some time together alone with you in a private place and teach you some math the old-fashioned way, buddy.  I got a motel room, a chalkboard, 3 pieces of chalk, two fists of math-loving goodness, air, and opportunity.  Make your mark, cowboy, and we'll teach this pony how to fly 3 times as high.  I'll hit you so hard, your ding kong will divide by 6.  Add it all up and this is the Gauntlet.  School is in session and it doesn't let out until 3:20.  P.m.! 

I hope you like hugging.

'Cause I'm coming to see you.

I do like to hug.  I give it a slightly lower score than Frenching.  I hope YOu like a "nerd" adding and subtracting all up over your butt at 2 in the afternoon, pal.  Again, it's on like donkey dong!  I will destroy your state of mine exponentially. 

[Bonk]

I looked through the entire link and did a search and still can't find out what the fuck ZORP is supposed to stand for.

I'm with you guys on the statfags. A friend of a friend of mine claims he can manage a baseball team better than an MLB manager using just Sabremetrics. Then again, he's a Reds fan, so he probably could do a better job than Dustfuck.

Sabremetrics stats are mildly interesting to evaluate for people that realize they're just tools, not a way for computer geeks who've never played baseball to claim they're baseball experts because they wrote a few formulas in an Excel spreadsheet.

Your post is the most awesome because it's real.

Yeah, it is. I can't pass up a chance to rip Dustfuck, even if it's mildly out of context.

[TDubbs]

I looked through the entire link and did a search and still can't find out what the fuck ZORP is supposed to stand for.

I'm with you guys on the statfags. A friend of a friend of mine claims he can manage a baseball team better than an MLB manager using just Sabremetrics. Then again, he's a Reds fan, so he probably could do a better job than Dustfuck.

Sabremetrics stats are mildly interesting to evaluate for people that realize they're just tools, not a way for computer geeks who've never played baseball to claim they're baseball experts because they wrote a few formulas in an Excel spreadsheet.

Your post is the most awesome because it's real.

Yeah, it is. I can't pass up a chance to rip Dustfuck, even if it's mildly out of context.

I like the way you call him Dustfuck, when his real name is Dusty.  I mean, I can swee what you're doing, while you're doing it and after you did it. 

[ChuckD]

Yeah, but how did you KNOW it was a triple?  What?  I couldn't hear you.  Yeah. That's right.  Math.  

Circle gets the square root of 64 multiplied by 7 minus 4 equals a win for me and math.  

Fellas, we can argue statistics until we blew in our faces, but it's not gonna change the perplexion of the game as it stands right now.  But, I'll do it if that's what it's gonna take to turn some heads.  It's on like donkey dong.

10 things even worse than Alfonso Soriano:

1-9. This post.
10. Communism.

I'd love to give you my formula describing why Communism is NOT worse than Soriano OR my post, but you'd probably screw up the parameters with your STUPID FACES.  

AND, according to my calculations, Soriano isn't even THAT good OR bad.  Especially on Wednesdays, when he is perfectly league average in many statistical numbers during day games and slightly LESS SO in night games at home.  Matter of point, if it were me, I would look at his historically best days and play him then.  THEN, I would figure up the same formula for EACH player on the cubs and play said player on the correspondingly BEST days while SITTING him on his historically WORST day of the week.  I would have SET WEEK lineups with positions so there would be no surprised because I have proved numerically that players in set lineup positions do historically better than those that DON'T play everyday.  And I did it all on my laptop calculator with a pen and pencil and ruler and dirty hair grease.  I have a mohawk that's quadratically correct, you caveman.  

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

[Tank]

Yeah, but how did you KNOW it was a triple?  What?  I couldn't hear you.  Yeah. That's right.  Math. 

Who needs math to know a guy ran all the way to left base?

But without math, then how would you know how many bases he passed to get there.  Plus one.  Because that's where he is and he gets credit for that one, too.  That's pre-algebraic equation stuff that I'm not sure you're ready for since you seem to be a beginner math person.  I'd like to spend some time together alone with you in a private place and teach you some math the old-fashioned way, buddy.  I got a motel room, a chalkboard, 3 pieces of chalk, two fists of math-loving goodness, air, and opportunity.  Make your mark, cowboy, and we'll teach this pony how to fly 3 times as high.  I'll hit you so hard, your ding kong will divide by 6.  Add it all up and this is the Gauntlet.  School is in session and it doesn't let out until 3:20.  P.m.! 

I hope you like hugging.

'Cause I'm coming to see you.

I do like to hug.  I give it a slightly lower score than Frenching.  I hope YOu like a "nerd" adding and subtracting all up over your butt at 2 in the afternoon, pal.  Again, it's on like donkey dong!  I will destroy your state of mine exponentially. 

It's a deal, then.

You set up the net, I'll bring the Capri Sun.

We can leave our shirts behind.

[JD]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

[Quality Start Machine]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

Shit, you forgot about February.

Now start over.

[TDubbs]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

How about you ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTIONS!?!?!?  I HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED AND ANSWERS THAT NEED TO BE QUESTIONED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111  KNOW WHAT I MEAN BRO?

[JD]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

How about you ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTIONS!?!?!?  I HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED AND ANSWERS THAT NEED TO BE QUESTIONED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111  KNOW WHAT I MEAN BRO?

If you don't stop eYELLING at me, then I'm going to write a formula to MELT your PECKER, BRO.

[ChuckD]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

I have no idea what that means. That doesn't make any sense. It's like you have no idea how BASEBALL is played. All you stat lovers are like a parroty of yourself. I don't know if I should make fun of you or just PITY you.

[Bonk]

I looked through the entire link and did a search and still can't find out what the fuck ZORP is supposed to stand for.

I'm with you guys on the statfags. A friend of a friend of mine claims he can manage a baseball team better than an MLB manager using just Sabremetrics. Then again, he's a Reds fan, so he probably could do a better job than Dustfuck.

Sabremetrics stats are mildly interesting to evaluate for people that realize they're just tools, not a way for computer geeks who've never played baseball to claim they're baseball experts because they wrote a few formulas in an Excel spreadsheet.

Your post is the most awesome because it's real.

Yeah, it is. I can't pass up a chance to rip Dustfuck, even if it's mildly out of context.

I like the way you call him Dustfuck, when his real name is Dusty.  I mean, I can swee what you're doing, while you're doing it and after you did it. 

His real name is Johnnie. Dusty is actually an acronym for Dumb Underachieving Skipper, Total Yutz.

[Brownie]

Dusty played the right way, dude.

[TDubbs]

I looked through the entire link and did a search and still can't find out what the fuck ZORP is supposed to stand for.

I'm with you guys on the statfags. A friend of a friend of mine claims he can manage a baseball team better than an MLB manager using just Sabremetrics. Then again, he's a Reds fan, so he probably could do a better job than Dustfuck.

Sabremetrics stats are mildly interesting to evaluate for people that realize they're just tools, not a way for computer geeks who've never played baseball to claim they're baseball experts because they wrote a few formulas in an Excel spreadsheet.

Your post is the most awesome because it's real.

Yeah, it is. I can't pass up a chance to rip Dustfuck, even if it's mildly out of context.

I like the way you call him Dustfuck, when his real name is Dusty.  I mean, I can swee what you're doing, while you're doing it and after you did it. 

His real name is Johnnie. Dusty is actually an acronym for Dumb Underachieving Skipper, Total Yutz.

LOL.  No way jose.

[JD]

Understand my words if not my numbers as Bill James should have said.  

Yeah, well how about you give me a formula that equals how awesome it is to see your teammate poke a seeing eye single through the left side, hustle around first, go down hard and dirty, and grab an extra bag. Or how about you tell me how many more zRBIs a player gets for chewing a big old wad of Red Man instead of those sissy Big League Chew or sunflower seeds the PC police are forcing down baseball players' throats these days. How many wins is a good old fashioned towel-snapping competition with a bunch of naked, soaped-up dudes in the locker room worth? Naked, soaped-up dudes that you'd go to war with 162 times a year.

You see, I know the answers to these questions because I know baseball. But you, man? You just know math.

I can answer your questions with answers, caveman:

1) awesome=a, teammate=t, poke=1(because it's a single), left side=6(average number of left side positions), hustle=1(these guys are professionals and hustle is a constant), hard and dirty=h*d, extra bag=.5...therefore your formula is:
(at)~1*6*1[h*d]/.5=your precious formula
2) Red Man would add 16 more zRBI to a player but subtract 2.4 years off of his career, therefore the total affectation on career stats would be minimal.  Bill James's cousin did a study on this 2 years ago, Bowzer.  Read your blogs.
3) 4 wins in odd years and -1 win in an even year

I have no idea what that means. That doesn't make any sense. It's like you have no idea how BASEBALL is played. All you stat lovers are like a parroty of yourself. I don't know if I should make fun of you or just PITY you.

You keep bad-mouthing stats, friend, but you know for a FACT that you use them, too.  What do you do if you want to know the greatest home run hitter of all-time?  You look at the stats and you know it.  Otherwise, you'd probably choose Jeromy Burnitz as the all-time greatest power hitter because his arms are large, his teeth are yellow, and I know for a fact taht I saw him eat a booger once.  But you'd be wrong, for the most part(it's been proven time and again that Jeromy Burnitz was only the greatest power of the second week of June 2003).  Stats merely help us quantify our gut feelings and that's where we're not so different.  I wouldn't make a formula for something if I didn't feel in my gut that something was true or false.  Then, it's up to ME to fit the numbers to the theory.  Sometimes I have to throw out some numbers when my GUT tells me that they're outliers or analytical anomalies.  That's how us scientists do it.  It's what makes math great.  You can take whatever numbers you want and make them do whatever you want.  We're like managers of a number team.  Only, as you stated, I love the numbers.  ANd I do.  I would totally make out with a number 12 if society wasn't so narrow-minded.  It's not going to happen in our lifetime, though, old timer.  I'll just have to make do with manipulating the number 12.  Teasing it.  Diddling it when the time is right.  And I know when the time is right.  You say I love math.  I say 'no'.  I say that I LUST math and stats and numbers.  I have to shift my laptop no less than 3 times the amount of a normal person when I'm using the calculator function.  I won't apologize for my love, caveman.  And I will fight to the bittner end to quantify it.

[Andre Dawson's Creek]

Did you know bees and dogs can smell fear?